When the Dream is Over
by Josephine Martin
Summary: When the dream is over, real life has to start. Whether that's a good or a bad thing depends on the detail. SamJack. Sometimes being granted your dearest wish turns out to be a curse... Alternating Sam Jack POV.
1. Chapter 1

**When the Dream is Over**

_This story is based some time in season 4, after 'Window of Opportunity'. At that point, it veers from canon. I don't own any of the characters in the story, nor do I own the Stargate or anything to do with it. Personally, I just want Sam and Jack come clean. No money is made from this fiction._

_I'm new to Stargate fiction, although I've been writing in another fandom for some time. Please be gentle with me if I've made some assumptions about things that've been explained differently in an episode I haven't yet seen. Feedback is very welcome.  
_

Summary: When the dream is over, real life has to begin, but whether that's a good thing or a bad depends on the detail. Rated suitable for mature teenagers for sexual situations.

Thanks to my beta, tgeyer.

**Chapter 1**

I can't believe I'm this nervous. I know him so well; it's not like going out with a stranger. But going out with a stranger would actually be easier because there'd be nothing to lose. I agonised over what to wear this evening, undecided between a dress I'd wear on a first date (nice enough but fairly restrained) or something that's designed to make sure he notices me. I was still making up my mind, pulling on the dress when he rang the doorbell, putting an end to my indecision and making the decision for me - the red, low cut, figure hugging creation I wouldn't dare wear normally.

I quickly decide it was worth it, for the way he pauses, apparently unable to speak, when I open the door. The pause is good in more than one way, as it gives me a chance to take in the man I've never really seen before. I've seen Jack in civvies, in uniform, wet to the skin, splattered with mud and worse, but I've never seen him in a suit. And despite his reluctance to dress formally, he looks good. The suit is dark, the shirt white and the tie silver grey. He's pulling at the neck of his shirt as if it's chafing, but his eyes haven't left me yet.

"You ready?" he manages to mumble.

"Yes, Sir. All set."

"No 'Sir' please, Sam. I'm retired."

"And how's that going for you, Jack?" I answer, trying to keep the mood light. "It's been all of…," I glance at my watch. "Twenty-eight hours."

"That long, eh?" he grins at me, taking my cue. "I hope you're hungry."

"I expect I could manage to eat," I answer, knowing that the way the butterflies are churning in my stomach, eating's going to be difficult.

I pick up a wrap, and as I go to put it around my shoulders, he's there, behind me, arranging it, and the feel of his hands on my back and shoulders causes me to shiver.

"You sure you'll be warm enough? You're shivering."

"I'll be fine, Sir … Jack. It's not cold out, is it?"

"I didn't think so."

His hand is on the small of my back as he guides me out to his car, opening the door for me and seeing me in before going round to his own seat. My heart's hammering in my chest, fear and excitement warring for the upper hand. This, what we're doing tonight, is a huge risk. He asked me to have dinner with him, a celebration of his retirement. I assumed at first that it was an SG-1 thing – that the others would be there too, but he quickly made it clear that wasn't what he had in mind. Exactly what he does have in mind isn't clear either, and my own hopes are threatening to take over my behaviour.

We drive to the restaurant in almost silence, and once the car is parked, he's back round to my door to open it before I've managed to arrange the dress to let me get out.

I knew where he had in mind, knew I needed to dress up, but the actual place takes me by surprise. It's intimate for such a large place – tables placed in such a way that you can hardly see the other diners. In the centre of the room is a small dance floor where two couples are already moving to some slow, sultry music.

We order, and as I'm wondering how I'm going to find conversation to fill the time until it arrives, his hand reaches across the table to trap mine.

"Would you like to dance?"

I nod, suddenly feeling the nerves multiply, but he doesn't seem to notice. He guides me to the floor, and once there, pulls me close to him with one arm while holding my other hand.

"Relax, Sam," I hear him whisper in my ear, and I realise that I've tensed up. I try to do so, one muscle group at a time, finally allowing myself to feel comfortable with him in such close and intimate proximity.

"Too close?" I hear him asking, and his voice sounds unsure.

"No, Jack. It's just … different."

"Oh yeah." His words sound heartfelt. "You know how many times I've wanted to do this?"

"Dance with me?"

"Hold you like this. Scared to touch you at all in case it became too comfortable. I … I hoped you felt the same."

"You know I did."

"I know you … care … more than you should. I suspect you care more about Daniel than you really should,but I hope to God you don't want to do this with him."

His mouth moves towards mine then, slowly, giving me ample chance to turn away or give him a signal that I don't want what he's offering, but I move towards him instead. The initial touch is soft, tentative, sweet, but once he knows that I've accepted that, it changes, becomes more demanding, harder, and I match him. I don't know how long the kiss lasts, but we're no longer moving to the music, and we're both breathing hard when we break apart. He looks at me, questioning without words, making sure that what he'd gleaned from the kiss is real.

I put my arms around his neck and drop my cheek onto his shoulder, and it's his turn to relax.

Time seems to lose its meaning as we dance, pausing to eat, but the details of the food just aren't important. When we're finished, we dance again, but it's no longer enough for me. I don't want to be among other people, I want to be alone with him.

"Jack, take me home?" I whisper in his ear.

I immediately realise he's misunderstood, that he thinks I've had enough. He starts to pull away, but I hold onto him tight, turning his face back towards me and kissing him again, harder than before.

"I don't want to share you," I tell him when the kiss is over. His grin lights up his face.

The mechanics of getting out of the restaurant are done and we make it out to Jack's car. Before I can get into it, he's pulling me into his arms and kissing me again and I don't want it to stop. But it has to, and he pulls away, running his fingers down my face as he does so.

"Sam," he says softly, and there's such love in his voice that I can hardly believe that it's aimed at me.

"Take me home, Jack. Before I decide to start undressing you here."

He laughs at that - a full laugh the likes of which I've rarely heard from him.

"Home it is then."

The journey is a blur, but as soon as we're inside, it starts again. I pull off his jacket, and his tie, while he's trying to undo the zipper at my back. I direct us toward my bedroom, and moments later, we're there, facing one another, side by side on my bed, as the last items of clothing are removed. All I'm aware of is Jack. Every sense is saturated with him - the sound of him, the scent, the taste, the sight and most of all the touch of him.

"If I'd known you felt this good, Carter, I would've retired years ago."

"Mmm," I agree. "I might even have considered retiring myself."

And then, the phone's ringing.

"Leave it," he murmurs, and given what his mouth is currently doing, I've got every intention of doing just that. But the phone continues. Something's not right … Jack's no longer here, and my stomach contracts with dread for a second until I realise that I've been dreaming. And what a dream!

I pick up the phone, managing to get out a single word to identify myself.

"Carter."

"I didn't wake you, did, Carter?"

Jack's voice following so quickly from the dream throws me into a loop.

"Carter, you there?"

"Yes, Sir. What's up?" Given the circumstances, I'm quite proud that I managed those four words.

"I know you booked a few days of leave, but Hammond wants us in. Some crisis, you know the drill. Briefing in an hour?"

"I'll be there, Sir," I promise before hanging up.

Getting to the SGC in an hour is a tall order, but I can't quite bring myself to move. That's the second time in as many days that I've had that dream. Of course, yesterday, it didn't get interrupted by the phone, and I feel put out that I missed the rest of it. But I'm needed, so I drag myself out of bed and into the shower - a cold shower. How else can I face my CO after that?


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own the Stargate or any of the characters. No profit is made from this story.**

_I've reworked this chapter again, still trying to find my 'Jack' voice. Hope this is better. _

**Chapter 2**

I woke from that dream again early this morning. Second morning in a row. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against erotic dreams. It's not like I'm getting any when I'm awake. Not when the only woman I want is out of reach. But a dream, well it should be a dream. Uma Thurman. She'd work. Keep the dream where it belongs. Dreaming about Carter like that is too much like hoping.

I love her. I know that. It just took me a little longer to figure out than the other Jack O'Neill who loves Samantha Carter. But that's another story. She makes everything better. Because not being with her doesn't compare to being with her. Even when we're facing certain death, because losing her isn't an option.

Leaving our feelings in that room didn't work. Not for me. Knowing she cares, not suspecting, knowing, gives me hope. And hope makes it harder.

I could do something. But I'm scared. What we've got works. It's not perfect, but I don't do perfect. I don't get perfect.

My perfect means rings, vows, and forever. But Carter's got her career. She's damn good at what she does, and the planet needs her. Way more than it needs me. I could resign. But the balance would shift, and I wouldn't get to face death with her. She'd be facing it alone. And she'd keep coming back from that until the day she didn't.

By the time I got myself cleaned up, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep again, so I came into the SGC. I can't believe that I've been driven to paperwork. Once here, Hammond had me in his office to tell me that we've had a message from the Tok'ra, asking for a meeting and specifically requesting Carter and me. That's why I called her this morning.

And hearing her sleepy 'Carter' threw me back into visuals I'd been trying to forget. I knew she'd been asleep, and that led me to picturing her, all dishevelled and warm and, … Stop it, Jack. Keep it together.

She's actually late for the briefing - pretty much a first. We're waiting for her when she rushes in looking a little … dishevelled? That word again. She pinks up nicely too as she apologises to Hammond.

"I'm sorry, Sir. The traffic was heavier than I expected," she explains, taking her seat.

"That's fine, Major Carter. I know you didn't have a lot of notice. Now, I wanted to speak to you both before our guests arrive. I've officially ordered two weeks down time for SG-1 because I know you've had a tough schedule lately. However, the Tok'ra have requested a meeting with you, and I suspect they're going to expect you to go off world. I want you to know that I'm willing to try to protect your downtime if I consider their request to be other than of the highest priority. I know you in particular, Major Carter, had some leave booked. I hope calling you in this morning didn't cause you any inconvenience."

"No, Sir. I was just … resting."

I knew it. She was asleep! And I've got to stop thinking about her in bed. Concentrate, O'Neill.

I'm saved by the klaxon warning of an off world gate activation. We get up and go to the control room, where they've already had confirmation that the Tok'ra delegation is about to come through.

They arrive, Jacob Carter and another man I don't recognise. Carter, of course, runs down to the gate room to greet her father. And of all the people in the galaxy who I don't want to see now, Jacob Carter is just about top of the list. Because having all these inappropriate thoughts about his daughter … Oh boy.

Minutes later, five of us convene around the briefing-room table. Jacob makes the introductions.

"Dorian, Parrak I'd like you to meet General George Hammond, Colonel Jack O'Neill, and my daughter, Major Samantha Carter. Folks, this is Dorian."

The man reaches across the table to shake each of us by the hand, and then drops his head, allowing the snake to speak. And I know they're our allies, and I shouldn't call them snakes, but that's what they are. "And I am Parrak."

"I'm pleased to meet you all," Dorian adds when he's back in the driving seat.

We sit and Jacob launches into his explanation.

"Dorian and I have just returned from an assignment on a planet without a stargate about a day's journey from P3X245. It should have been a simple reconnaissance mission - we know there is a human civilisation on the planet, but that it has no history of the Goa'uld. There are legends among the Goa'uld that the planet possesses a powerful weapon and as such it has been left untouched for many generations. Long range examination of the planet showed a temple, possibly something built by the Ancients. The plan was for Dorian to visit the temple and investigate the existence of a weapon."

"Any particular reason you didn't involve us before?" I ask.

"Well, there's no stargate, and we were going to be in the area."

In other words, they're not going to tell us what they were up to. They don't change.

"So, what's the problem?"

Dorian answers. "We expected a simple mission with no contact with the natives. I ringed down in a secluded spot and Jacob took the ship back into orbit. Although there are no villages in that area, we wanted to get in and out without alerting the natives to our presence. During the walk, Parrak was assaulted. Something was trying to kill him, and at the same time causing me immense pain. Had we not had contact with Jacob in orbit above the planet, I doubt we would have survived."

"You said something was trying to kill Parrak?" Sam asks for clarification. "Are you sure it was specifically aimed at him?"

Dorian's head dips and Parrak's voice answers. "I am certain. I was acutely aware of the damage to me, but beyond the pain, Dorian's systems continued to function as normal. His pain was a direct result or our link. The inhabitants of the planet are human, and appear to live normally. I am still weakened by the attack but hope to recover eventually."

"So, this is some sort of anti-Goa'uld device that's what, left on all the time? See anything?" I ask.

Dorian answers again "No, there was no visible source. Readings taken from orbit suggested a field of unknown type present throughout the planet, but as I said, the planet is inhabited by humans who appear to thrive."

"So we're talking an anti-Goa'uld field?"

"That is a possibility. Naturally, we would like to investigate further, but believe it would be safer if the investigation was carried out by an unblended human."

Jacob pipes up at this point. "And when it comes to an investigation of this type, there's only one person I'd want to recommend." Jacob looks fondly at his daughter as he speaks.

"What about the Naquadah in Carter's blood? Even though she's not blended, won't she be at risk?" I'm surprised that Jacob didn't think about that, and I ignore the look Carter just gave me.

Parrak speaks again. "Since the pain was a direct result of the damage to me, I believe that unlikely."

"Jack, I did consider that, but I believe Parrak. But just in case, I need to know that someone will be with her. I'll be in orbit like before. I'll be back in minutes if I'm needed."

"And do I get any say in this?" Carter sounds irritated.

"Of course you do, Sam. However, it is your commanding officer's responsibility to understand the risks," Jacob answers. "So, what do you think?"

She ignores both Jacob and me and turns to Hammond. "Sir, imagine what an anti-Goa'uld field could do for us, for planets like Abydos! We've got to investigate it." Carter sounds her usual overexcited self when she's got something she can take to bits.

"I agree this is important," Hammond decides. "If you and Colonel O'Neill are willing to go, I'll sanction the mission."

"What about the rest of SG-1?" I ask. Spending time alone with Carter at the moment doesn't seem like the best idea.

"We want to minimise contact with the natives, at least until we know what we've got." Jacob disagrees. "Teal'c's hardly inconspicuous."

"What about Daniel? He should come – there might be something that needs translating."

"Sir, you know Daniel's flying out to that conference this morning. He's been looking forward to it for weeks." Carter looks at me no doubt wondering how I'd forgotten about something we've heard about so much lately.

"Yeah, you're right. I forgot." I give up. Looks like I'm stuck with it.

"You two should be fine," Jacob insists.

Carter's grinning, and it's infectious, but I know my part.

"Looks like we're going then," I shrug.

"When do we leave, Dad?"

"Well, I'd like to get underway right away. We can gate to where I've got a ship waiting."

And an hour later, Carter, Jacob, Dorian and I are in the gate room.

We leave Dorian to gate out of P3X245 to recover, and are ringed up to Jacob's ship. It's going to take a day to get where we're going, and there's not much to do, but Carter enjoys her work too much. She gets a kick out of working on the ship even though there's nothing wrong with it. She asks me to help, and I raise an eyebrow in a way I know she understands, but she points out that she really only wants someone to hand things to her. Unbreakable things.

Much later, Carter's gone to get some sleep, and I'm thinking about doing the same, but Jacob stops me.

"What's going on, Jack?"

"What do you mean?"

"You and Sam. Something's changed. You're not doing anything you shouldn't, are you? Because if you hurt her, ruin her career, …"

"No, Jacob, no. I wouldn't."

"But you don't deny you love her."

I don't answer. I can't.

"At least you've got the decency not to deny it."

"What makes you think something changed?"

"Selmak noticed first. I just wish he'd spotted something before we left earth or I'd have insisted you take someone with you."

"What makes you think something changed?" I repeat.

"Watching you this afternoon - you were avoiding contact. It looked unnatural. Working like you were, you touch - brush hands, whatever. You were both avoiding contact."

He's right. Touching her isn't good. Touching her brings it too close. Even touching her hand. But I can't tell him the truth, so I bluster.

"For crying out loud, you're complaining that your daughter's CO isn't touching her?"

"Ok, don't tell me. Just promise me you won't hurt her. If you care about her as much as I think you do, keep her safe."

I can do that. "I promise, Jacob."

"Good enough. Go get some sleep, Jack. I need you fresh tomorrow so you'll be able to keep that promise."

There are exactly two bunks in the sleeping quarters. I may not have Carter's ease with numbers, but I can count. They're just three feet apart. Jacob wants me to sleep and I can't explain why here isn't a good idea. Carter's already asleep on one of the bunks, and I sit down opposite and watch her for a moment, remembering what else Jacob said. He said we weren't touching each other. She was avoiding me. An awful, icy feeling starts in my stomach and slowly radiates upwards. There's just one reason I can think of that she's keeping her distance, and oh, boy. These dreams have me reacting like I was sixteen, alone with a girl for the first time. She's only got to be there, and my imagination takes over. I've done my best to hide my … embarrassment, but if she noticed, then she knows the rules. She can't let anything happen. God knows what she thinks. I can just hear my explanation to her.

"Carter, I've been having these completely inappropriate dreams and you've seen how that ends up. My body thinks we should tear up the regs. and say to hell with your career. How about it?" Oh yeah. That'll work.

I give up. Tomorrow's going to be hard, and I need sleep. And I can't believe that I'm hoping she doesn't make an appearance in my dream tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

_I don't own the Stargate or any of the characters. No profit is made from this story._

_This is probably the last update for at least a week, but I'm still working on the story and it will be continued._**  
**

_Sam's point of view.  
_

**Chapter 3**

I go to lie down, more tired than I'd realised, but reluctant to sleep. If I have that dream while Jack is in the next bunk... Embarrassing doesn't cover it.

When I hear him coming, I close my eyes, pretending, and then despite my best intentions, I doze. Then, just as the dream starts, I'm startled awake by the sound of the Colonel moaning.

He's facing away from me, covered by a light blanket, and lying quite still. I start to think I might have imagined it, but then I hear the sound again. Is he having one of his nightmares? Like the rest of SG-1, I've heard them often enough when we've been sleeping out on a mission somewhere, although they usually involve incoherent shouting until whoever's on watch wakes him up, preferably with some subterfuge so he doesn't realise we heard him. It's a weakness I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want Dad to know about, so I lean across the aisle and touch his arm.

"Sam," he murmurs softly, but he's not waking.

"Sir, wake up!"

"What? Carter, is that you?"

"Yes, Sir, it's me," I answer. "You were having a nightmare."

"Oh, ... Yeah. Thanks. You go back to sleep." His voice sounds gruffer than usual, but that's probably just because he's half asleep. I go back to my bunk, checking the time before I do. Another couple of hours and it'll be time to get up. I lie back down and hope for some uninterrupted, dreamless sleep.

Dad wakes us what seems like minutes later.

"We'll arrive in an hour. You should eat," he advises, and I agree. Colonel O'Neill doesn't look happy.

"What's up, Sir?" I ask.

"Nothing, Carter. I'm not a morning person, that's all."

And if I hadn't seen him early in the morning more times than I can remember, that might satisfy me. And then I remember the nightmare, and decide he's probably embarrassed that I had to mention it earlier.

We ring down close to where Dad left Dorian and Parrak. He goes back into orbit immediately, unwilling to risk Selmak. It's a lovely day, warm sunshine without being hot, and the ground is scrubby grass and fairly level. All in all, it's quite pleasant walking in the sunshine. I'm soon immersed in all the routine measurements involved in visiting a new planet - recording details of the atmosphere, checking for pollutants and radio signals that might mean a more advance civilisation that we've been told. I've also got my naquadah detector, and while I'm not detecting any of that, it's giving me something. It's the energy field, but it's not uniform as it seemed from orbit. It's fluctuating in what seems to be a random fashion, and I'm peering at the reading as I walk.

"You're squinting, Carter," the Colonel remarks. "You need some proper sunglasses," lifting his own and looking at me under them.

"No, Sir. I'm fine. It's this energy field."

"Energy field?"

"The one we measured from orbit. The one that might be coming from the anti-Goa'uld weapon."

"Ah, that energy field. But that doesn't explain why you're squinting."

I give up the argument over whether or not I'm squinting. I learned a long time not to argue when he's in that sort of mood because he won't listen, and logical argument just makes him more determined that he's right. It's one of his weapons against boredom, and I'm too busy to play. And I really don't want to give him more of my attention than he already has.

"Sir, I'm trying to figure it out. It's all over the place. See? Just here, it's almost off the scale, but I take another step, and it's down to almost nothing. I can't see any pattern at all. When we get back to the ship, I'll have to do another scan but using a higher resolution to see if I can make any sense of it."

"Oh. So can you tell where it's coming from? Because that might be, you know, useful?"

"No, Sir. As I said, it's all over the place. If I could see a pattern …"

He shrugs and we continue walking.

We finally arrive at the appointed co-ordinates, and after hacking through some significant plant-growth that looks completely out of place in the general terrain, we spot the columns of a temple. We take a look around, and a moment later, I hear Colonel O'Neill's voice complaining.

"Oh, for crying out loud!"

"What is it, Sir?"

I follow the sound of his voice and find him quickly. He's staring at a wall covered in writing – but nothing I recognise.

I take a look, but we need Daniel.

"Why didn't we bring our resident archaeologist?"

"He had a conference to go to."

"So, can you make anything of it all?"

"Not really. The best idea'd be for you to film as much as you can, and I'll continue to take a look around the site, see if I can find any sort of source for this energy field. He'll be back before us anyway."

He glowers at me. "Did someone give you command, Carter?"

"No, Sir. That was a suggestion."

"That's alright then. We'll do that, but stay close. Understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

Hours later, we've found nothing more and we head back to our rendezvous point. Whatever's causing that field, it's not in a single location. It could be coming from the sun, but I don't think so. More likely it's coming from something down here, something that's distributed throughout the planet. My best guess is the planet's crust itself, so I've been collecting rock samples most of the day, some from the surface and some from as far down as I could get given the basic equipment we're carrying, and the walk back is harder work due to a significant added weight... The Colonel seems a little out of sorts, but he's been mellowing as the day progressed. Surprising really, since having to dig to get rock samples is exactly the sort of unexpected activity that would normally bring his sarcasm to the fore in its most deadly form. First thing he was barely civil, but more recently his complaints have been the routine that I've long been able to ignore, or at least, smile at. Still, I'm relieved when we get back to the ship. Being alone with the Colonel is difficult when I keep remembering how it felt when he kissed me, and knowing that it's not real, that even if it was it couldn't be that wonderful, just leaves me feeling disappointed.

Once on board, I'm left alone with my dad while my CO stomps off alone. I quickly fill Dad and Selmak in on what I found, and I do some solar scans and set the equipment to do a fine resolution scan of the planet.

As I work, we chat. Nothing earth-shattering, just dad/daughter bonding. Despite the downside, I'm so glad Dad had the chance to blend with Selmak. It means I've still got him, and even better, I can share this with him. Imagining him sitting at home, retired, wondering why his daughter works in deep space telemetry ... well, there's no way I'd be this close to him.

Still, while we're chatting, I try to get some useful information. "So why are the Tok'ra interested in the planet?"

"You mean an anti-Goa'uld weapon isn't enough?"

"You said you were in the area. What's up with that?"

"Nothing you have to worry about. You know, Sam, despite what Jack thinks, sometimes the Tok'ra are involved in things that really do just affect them."

"I know, Dad. It's just ..."

"Yeah. Sometimes the Tok'ra don't trust you either. And sometimes it's hard sitting on the fence."

We continue in silence for a while.

"I'm sorry this couldn't be a longer trip, Sam. I know you hate leaving a puzzle behind."

"It's fine, Dad. If you hadn't suggested it, we wouldn't have visited this planet at all, and I know the ship's needed elsewhere."

"It's a pity you didn't find a source for the field."

"As far as I can tell, it's caused by something in the planet's crust, I just don't know what. Those samples we brought on board aren't causing Selmak any trouble, are they?"

"No, Sam, although I'm not planning on getting too close. Can you read anything off them?"

"No, Dad. But the source could be a lot deeper than those samples came from."

"Anything else interesting down there?"

He means apart from watching my CO digging up rock samples, but that's where my mind went when he said that.

"No, and I didn't read any naquadah on the planet," I answer hoping he'll just put the delay down to being tired. "A pity, really. Somewhere nice and safe like that, would be ideal for a long term base. We'd just have to figure out how to get around the lack of a gate. How do you think the locals would feel about a base there anyway? I know you wanted this visit to be quiet, but have you had any contact?"

"No. We've heard rumours, like about the weapon. The culture seems low-tech, and it's concentrated on the coasts. There are huge inland areas like the one you visited that don't get much human traffic at all. You think you'll be going back then?"

"Well, unless I can solve the mystery of the field with the samples I picked up, then we'll have to, and it'll need a bigger team with some specialist equipment. We did what we could, but the Colonel and I were kind of looking for a weapon we could bring back with us."

Dad's watching at me, and he's got this look in his eye, so I know he's worried about something.

"Is everything ok, Sam?"

"Yeah, sure, Dad. Why?"

"Jack seems a little out of sorts."

"Yeah, I noticed."

"Have you argued?"

"No, Dad. Why would you think that?"

"I know you two. You've got a dynamic - and it's off. Nothing I can put my finger on, you know? But it's not right."

"Nothing's happened, Dad, or at least nothing I know about." Yes I'm lying, but I'm not going to start describing my recent erotic dreams to my father.

"Hm," he mutters, and I can tell he doesn't believe me.

"Sam," he continues, his hand on my shoulder. "Be careful. In most ways, I'm grateful to Selmak for giving me the chance to be part of all this … to do my part in the fight against the Goa'uld. The downside is that I don't get to see as much of you as I'd like. I don't get to take care of you."

"I'm all grown up, Dad. I don't need taking care of."

"We all do, Sam. Even when we're grown up."

I know my dad's proud of me. I also think he'd like me to have more than my career. But what chance do I have? What chance would a relationship have if my partner couldn't have any idea what I do when I'm at work? And why would I want an outside relationship when the man I love is right there in my life, but so frustratingly out of reach.

I take a second to scream silently in frustration. It's going to be a long journey back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I thought it couldn't get worse. I was wrong. Having Carter wake me from a wet dream about her was the most embarrassing experience of my life. And I'm not a stranger to embarrassment. She thought I was having a nightmare, but her misplaced concern made it worse. I felt guilty. Like I'd been using her. And she deserves better.

She slept, and I didn't. Two hours trying to find a way round this, and all I can think of is to run. Jack O'Neill doesn't run, doesn't back down. Except when he does.

It's never been easy. I keep my hands in my pockets a lot. It's safer. The regs. keep her safe, and not just from me. I've been around. I know women still have a hard time in the military. The command structure makes them vulnerable. And I've taken advantage of her.

I spent all day with not enough to do, nothing but her on my mind. One minute dreaming about Sam and Jack, no rules, no protocol, no irate father in orbit. Then came the disgust. So I took it out on her. Snapping at her, seeing the flash of surprise on her face. Trying to joke, make it ok when it isn't. Now, pretending I don't need sleep because I can't lie down close to her.

I need to get away from her. Pray it's not too late. The balance we've got is fickle. So little could destroy it. I just hope that she was thinking too hard to notice the dumb Colonel.

Post-mission routine keeps me out of Hammond's office for too long. That and needing to get away clean - no explanations.

"You wanted to speak to me, Colonel?"

"Yes, Sir. SG-1 still on stand-down, Sir?"

"Another ten days, Jack. What's on your mind?"

"I need to take some leave, Sir. More than ten days."

"How long did you have in mind?"

"A month would be good."

"You can't be serious, Jack! I can't grant you a month's leave without a very good reason."

"Sir, the reason is personal."

"Anything I can help with?"

"No, Sir."

"How about Dr. Fraiser?"

Now, that's funny. She'd be sympathetic. Sure she would.

"No, Sir. As I said, it's personal."

"Two weeks, Colonel, that's the best I can do. And I need you to remain in the country. Things are tense right now, and I reserve the right to recall you. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Sir. I'll be at my cabin."

There's a pause, but I know he's not finished.

"Did you know that Major Carter has also requested extended leave?"

"No, Sir, I didn't. She didn't mention anything."

"I turned her down. She's needed to complete her analysis from the planet you visited. Colonel, is there a problem between you and Major Carter?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

He continues to look at me. Doesn't look like he's convinced. "Very well. Dismissed."

I turn to leave, but he calls me back.

"Jack,"

"Yes, Sir?"

"If you want to chat later … maybe have a drink off base?"

I know what he's doing.

"Thanks, Sir, but if it's all the same to you, I'd like to get on the road."

He nods and turns back to his paperwork.

I'm out of the SGC in record time, terrified that I'll bump into Carter. Daniel's like a kid on Christmas morning trying to translate the stuff I filmed. Carter's full of what this anti-Goa'uld field could mean, so they don't need me. I'm just surprised she wanted leave too. I must've really spooked her.

I've spent a lot of time alone. Since Charlie … since Sara … my family has been the SG-1, my life the SGC. These two weeks, I've got to get my head straight. I've got to make things safe again. Lock the danger away. Because if I don't, it'll be the end. No more 'one day' hopes.

She wanted to keep our feelings in that damned room. But doors and walls don't stop feelings. I know she cares about me. I know how she responded when I kissed her. But that doesn't tell me a damn thing. Maybe what we've had is all we'll ever have. Should I just retire, take my chances? But what could she possibly see in me? I'm older than she is, at the end of my career. I'm damaged goods; it won't take much to stop me being mission-fit. She knows about the nightmares. Who'd want to sleep next to those forever? My conscience tells me to wish her someone younger, fitter, not me. But I'm weak so I tell it to shut the hell up. God, I wish I knew what to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

I was mad when General Hammond refused my request to extend my leave. He said that analysis of the anti-Goa'uld field had to take priority. I understand, up to a point; that analysis is important, but I'm not the only damned scientist on the base. But since my previously agreed leave was pretty much already over, I gave up and got to work.

I was pissed when I got to my lab, but once I got to work, I managed to get Colonel Jack O'Neill out of my mind for a while. Several hours later, Daniel arrives, coffee cup in hand.

"How was the conference?" I ask.

"Fine. No, disappointing. Hearing all the same old theories when I know they're nonsense ..."

"I know, Daniel. I feel the same way sometimes. "Have you seen what we brought back?"

"Yeah, I've taken a quick look."

"And you managed to tear yourself away?"

"Did you know Jack's gone on two week's leave?" The change of subject is almost as jarring as the question.

"What?"

"I'll take that as a 'no'."

"You mean after Hammond refused me leave, he allowed Colonel O'Neill two weeks?"

"Looks that way. Personal reasons, he told Teal'c."

"But he didn't tell you?"

"Or you. I spoke to him too, and he didn't say a word."

"Any idea what's up with him?"

"I was hoping you could tell me something. You were with him these past few days and when he gets back, he pulls this. What happened?"

"I don't know, Daniel. He seemed kind of … tense. Dad noticed it too."

"You've seemed a bit quiet too lately."

"Have I?"

"Sam, I'm worried. I've known Jack a long time. I knew him back before Abydos; I remember a man who didn't have any reason to live. I thought he was over that, but …"

"You think it's serious."

"I don't know. He's shut himself off. It's just not like him to go off without saying anything. I don't know what to think, Sam."

Guilt hits me. I knew he was acting off, but I've been so caught up in the aftermath of the dreams that I didn't take it seriously. I love Jack, and I'm worried that I missed something important.

I reach into a drawer and pick out an antacid, popping it into my mouth and crunching it absent-mindedly.

"What's that?"

"Antacid. I've been getting some heartburn lately."

"Have you seen Janet?"

"Daniel, it's heartburn. Too many meals while I'm working. I'm fine."

"Ok, Sam. I'd better get back."

"What's your first impression on the translation?"

"Bits of the language look almost familiar, but I still can't piece together anything that makes sense. How's the field looking?"

"I'm pretty sure it's an energy signal from something in the rock, but the readings on the planet suggested that it's concentrated in very small areas, randomly scattered throughout the surface. I've got no idea if I've even got anything here - the meter I used couldn't get any signals from the samples I took. I think we're going to have to send a team back."

"I'll leave you to it, then."

The next day, when I present my findings to General Hammond, it's obvious that I'm still not going to get any leave. He wants to send a full science team to the planet with a security back up. And he wants me to plan and take responsibility for the whole thing. According to Daniel, the text we found on the temple walls says the planet is called something unpronounceable but which he thinks might translate as 'Haven'. As names go, it's pretty appropriate

Two days later, General Hammond has arranged transport for the team, and I've finalised my plan. The science part requires a three week exploration period, in addition to an initial period of negotiation with the locals, for which I'm going ahead of the main party, with Mark Dearing and SG-12. Mark quite obviously models himself on Daniel. He's a linguist, and has a fascination with different cultures. He's ok, but I'd rather it was Daniel going. I think the General is giving him a chance before giving him a permanent assignment to an SG team.

Assuming we get the ok for the full survey, I'll be away for three and a half weeks. The good thing is that I won't see the Colonel for that time. And the bad thing is that I won't see the Colonel. It's what I wanted, but now I'm not sure it's for the best. At least I'll be busy. I just hope that not seeing him will ensure the end of the dreams.

-----

The three week survey is complete, and the team and I are back at the SGC with some bad news. I barely have time to get cleaned up before debrief.

General Hammond asks for a summary of our findings. Mark Dearing starts by describing the initial contact, and what he we discovered about the people we found there.

"The people are friendly and surprisingly lacking in suspicion - probably due to the fact that they have no experience of aggression. Their villages are all coastal, and the vast majority of the landmass is uninhabited, although hunting parties do travel through it during specific animal migration seasons. They were unconcerned that we wanted to take rock sample, and were happy to suggest which plant species we might want to investigate."

"The single most intriguing feature of the people is the number of children. Families of less than a dozen children are the exception. Over half of all pregnancies result in twins and triplets account for a further ten percent. Without doing any DNA testing, I can't say what the proportion of identical twins is, but on a rough visual survey, I'd say it was low, that most multiple pregnancies result in non-identical siblings. That might suggest the presence of a powerful fertility agent, a fact that I've passed onto the science team."

"Thank you Dr. Dearing. Major Carter, what can you add?"

"Well, Sir, I've arranged for air, water and plant samples to go to Area 51 for analysis for medicinal value. As far as the anti-Goa'uld energy field is concerned, bore samples were taken from an area of twenty square miles. Some were taken at set intervals, and some were concentrated in areas where a strong field signal had been measured. Limited chemical analysis was available at base camp, but this showed components similar to rock on earth. Nothing new was discovered. It's possible that the active agent is present in microscopic quantities, and I plan to do a series of spectroscopic analyses to see if that is the case."

"On arrival on P3X245, crates of rock were assembled before being gated to the SGC. Since that was the first chance I'd had to check those samples for the energy field without the possibility of it being swamped by the background signal, I checked out each crate. Only one gave a significant signal - crate number 43."

"I assume you'll be concentrating your efforts on that then, Major."

"Er, no, Sir. When crate 43 was in transit, the wormhole destabilised, and it was lost."

"Do you have an explanation for that, Major?"

"Some theories, Sir. I'm working on an explanation."

"Very good. Does anyone want to add anything?" No one does. To tell the truth, they're all desperate to get home. It's been a tough few weeks.

Now that the briefing's over, I head up to my lab, and I'm irritated to find that I can hardly get in for the crates stacked there. By the time I've arranged to get most of them put into storage, I've had enough. It's late and I'm tired.

The Colonel's been in my thoughts the whole time. And in my dreams. The frequency and intensity of the dreams has actually increased despite my not having seen the man in over three weeks. And the heartburn's been getting worse too. I got through all the antacid I'd packed, and I've been really uncomfortable for the past few days.

I expected to have seen the Colonel by now – he's normally waiting in the gate room when I get back from a mission without him. I check out his usual haunts, but come up blank, so I head for Daniel's lab.

"So, how's it been?" I ask from the doorway.

"Sam, you're back!"

"Yeah. Just did the debrief. How're you?"

"Good."

"And Colonel O'Neill?"

"He says he's fine.

"He says?"

"Sam, I don't know what to say. He came back from leave, but he looked like he hadn't slept the whole time. Janet's been prodding at him off and on since he came back, but she says that apart from being run down she can't find anything wrong. He hasn't said anything. Not to Janet, not to me or Teal'c. Maybe he'll talk to you."

"Maybe. Is he around?"

"I think he went home a while ago. I'm surprised he didn't wait to see you back."

Yeah. It looks like he's avoiding me. My decision to leave our feelings behind when we were forced to admit caring about one another was the result of fear - fear for our careers, but also fear that we didn't mean the same thing. I love Daniel and Teal'c, but I don't feel about them the way I do about the Colonel. If I knew that he wanted the same thing I do, it'd be worth the risk. But I don't know that.

Daniel comes closer and puts a hand up to push my hair out of my eyes. It's overdue being cut, but there hasn't been time lately.

"You look tired too. Did you spend the whole time worried about him?"

"Yeah, a bit - that and the heartburn." I'm trying to make it sound lighter. "Look, don't worry. I'm going to go and see Janet about the heartburn. It's probably nothing, but it's gone on too long."

"Good. See you later?"

"Sure, Daniel. Oh, and Daniel, if you see Teal'c, tell him to stay away from my lab. I've got samples of rock from Haven in there, and we don't know what effect that'll have on him. Better to be safe."

Janet being Janet, I end up on the receiving end of a full work up, and a lecture on keeping the symptoms to myself.

"This could be a result of that field you've been investigating, Sam. "You should know better."

"But the human population of the planet is unaffected."

"How do you know? Did you have any contact with them?"

"A little. Mark Dearing was there. He made contact and set up an agreement for us to work on the planet. You know him, he fancies he's another Daniel Jackson, wanting to find out about other civilisations."

"And?"

"And in some ways, it's a basic but idyllic way of life. They don't have much in the way of technology, and they've no history of being enslaved by the Goa'uld, unsurprisingly. It's a society with a big emphasis on family. Children … there're so many of them! Families are huge, and there're lots of twins and triplets. I've had some samples sent to Area 51 - there may be a fertility agent involved. Having said that, it's not an easy life, and I think there's a high infant death rate. "

"Interesting. I'll make sure I get the results of those tests. Now back to you. Apart from the heartburn, any other symptoms?"

"Not that I can think of."

"How about your periods? I know you get a little irregular when you're under the weather or overtired since Jolinar, and you certainly look tired."

"I'm late, maybe nine or ten days, but as you said, that's not unusual."

"Ok, Sam. I'll start off with the usual tests - I'll take some blood and I'll need a urine sample when you're ready. Once that's done, I'll get some equipment rigged up, and we'll see if we can get to the bottom of this."

A couple of hours later, I'm sent off to get some rest and a promise that she'll call me as soon as she's got any results.

I consider crashing on the base, but think better of it. I drive home, shower and collapse into my bed. Three weeks of living in a tent just feet away from others, have led to three weeks of largely sleepless nights. Sheer desperation enabled me to waken myself during the dreams before they went too far. Despite that, I know that some of the other team members have me pegged as a restless sleeper. The prospect of a whole night without having to worry sounds wonderful.

I waken early the next morning, still coming down from the incredibly powerful climax of the dream. It's the first time in weeks that the dream's gone on that long, and the physical response seems more intense as a result.

The first couple of times I had the dream, it seemed like a gift - a wonderful alternative to the real thing, some solace for not being able to find out exactly how Jack feels about me. Now, I know it's a curse. I fall asleep again sobbing into my pillow, tiredness and the emotion of the dream serving to strip away my armour. The dream can't replace the reality. I need Jack O'Neill in my life, and I'm terrified that even what we've had so far might no longer be possible. Admitting that we cared about one another seemed like the only option all those weeks ago, but if this is the consequence, maybe … No. It was the only option. It's just that I never thought it might be the thing that finally put an end to my 'one day' dream. When the dream is over, real life begins, and the idea of living that life without him is something I don't want to consider.

Getting to the SGC in the morning seems like a huge effort. Once there, I go to the commissary for breakfast. Daniel and Teal'c are already there, and I join them at the table.

"No Colonel O'Neill?" I ask, worried.

"He should be here shortly, Teal'c responds. He raises his eyes towards the entrance then and smiles. "He has arrived."

I turn around and take a look, but I'm surprised at the sight. I know Daniel said he was tired, but still. He looks worse than I feel. I almost get the impression that he was going to leave again, but then thinks better of it and goes to get something to eat. He joins us, and starts to pick at his Froot Loops.

"So, Carter, you're back?"

"Yes, Sir."

"And have you found the ultimate weapon against the Goa'uld?"

"Not yet, Sir."

"Oh."

"So, how was your leave?"

"Peaceful, Carter. Just me, a few beers and a fishing rod."

I don't know how the conversation would have continued from there, because I'm interrupted by an orderly who asks me to go to the infirmary as soon as I've finished eating.

"You sick, Carter?" There's concern in the Colonel's eyes, and it warms the freeze I've been feeling.

"Not really, Sir. Just a little tired. You know Janet."

"Indeed I do, Carter. She's been bleeding me on a regular basis while you've been away."

"But you're ok, Sir?"

"Apparently."

I swallow the last of my coffee and get up.

"I should go and see what she wants."

"Yes, Carter. Keep her waiting, she'll just think of another blood test she needs."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Two weeks wasn't long enough. Two weeks to put right a lot of maybes. I didn't stand a chance. I thought about not coming back. Losing myself somewhere. Threw it into the mix a time or two.

Alone at the cabin, the dream took me at least once a night. Mostly I woke myself before it got too heated. Other times, if I'd had a few beers, I got the whole experience. In Technicolor and surround sound. Every sensation better than the real thing. First couple of times, I enjoyed it. Sure I did. It's … enjoyable. I'm human. But when it started affecting how I… am … with her …. It isn't worth it. And now I can't get it … her … out of my head. And waking to find it's not real, she's not there, not in my bed ... it's like I've lost her. I'm so tired I can't think straight. I only made it back by drinking coffee and knowing that Carter was off world. Because I'm not ready to face her.

I thought about finding someone. Anyone. Some relief. I looked, got some interest, bought a few drinks, but ... She wasn't her.

Dr. Fraiser pounced once I got back, needle at the ready. I don't know if Daniel spoke to her. I definitely barked at him a time or two. The doc. doesn't know she's looking in the wrong place. She's the wrong sort of doctor. My body's fine. Maybe a little too responsive. It's my head that's wrong. It's too full. There's too much there, too many feelings locked away for too long.

Coming into the commissary this morning and seeing her there, I almost turned around and walked away. But then she spotted me and smiled, and I was lost. We chatted. I tried to pretend everything was ok. I remember when chatting to her was easy. Fun. A challenge – making her smile. Even blush sometimes. Seeing her now brings back how she is in my dreams - happy, flushed, ... mine. I was relieved when she had to go. God, I'm a mess. Daniel and Teal'c are watching me, but I've shut them out. I'm still running away.

I push the still half-full bowl of cereal away from me and get up.

"Are you not hungry, O'Neill?"

"No. I've got to …" I gesture towards the door.

Teal'c inclines his head, and Daniel just looks puzzled, but both of them know not to push it.

I know what I should do. I've got reading to do - mission briefings. But I wouldn't understand a word. I go to the gym to burn some energy, maybe clear my mind. It didn't work the last three times, but who knows? I'm desperate.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Janet takes me into her office and closes the door. Now that's not a good sign. If all she's going to say is that everything's fine, she'd probably have just said so already.

"Sam, is there anything else you want to tell me?"

"No, Janet. What is it?"

"Have you seen Colonel O'Neill?"

"Yeah, in the commissary."

"And?"

"He doesn't look well."

"No, he doesn't. And if nothing changes soon, I'm going to have to order him to have a psychiatric assessment."

"Janet! It can't be that bad."

"You've been off world for three weeks; you haven't seen him."

"No, I haven't."

"And you don't know what's wrong with him?"

"If I knew, I'd tell you, Janet. You know I would."

She holds my gaze, looking, I assume, for any sign of duplicity.

"So, did you want to see me because of the Colonel?"

"Not really. I just thought …"

"What, Janet?"

"Sam, your tests … You're pregnant."

I hear the words, but it's like they're in another language and I've got to translate them before I respond.

I'm shaking my head before I get the words out. "I can't be!"

"You are, Sam. I double-checked the test."

"Look, Janet, I'm no doctor but I do know how the process works. I haven't had sex in so long I'm having the most amazing erotic dreams of my life! Between that and the fact that you told me that you thought that the naquadah in my blood would probably stop me from ever conceiving, you've got to be wrong!"

"There was always a small chance of your conceiving even with the naquadah. I told you that. I can't believe you've been having unprotected sex on the strength of what I said."

"Weren't you listening, Janet? I haven't been having sex, protected or otherwise!"

She's still regarding me closely, waiting to see if I can add something. And then the penny drops.

"You think … Colonel O'Neill and I …"

"I know you care about him, Sam. And the state he's been in - if something happened between you, it'd make sense."

"Oh, thanks, Janet. One illicit night with me and Jack's ready for a psychiatric evaluation!"

"So you have …"

"No, Janet. We haven't broken any rules. Yes, I care about him, and I know he cares about me. But nothing happened between us."

"Be honest with me here, Sam. I'm your friend. I'll do what I can to protect you."

"Janet, nothing happened between us. I'm serious."

"Then is there someone else?"

"No, Janet. Your test must be wrong."

"It's not, Sam." She sighs deeply, and then quite obviously, decides to believe me. "Ok, if you can't tell me how it happened, then we're going to have to dig. It's possible you've been raped. There are drugs …"

"I know about date rape, Janet. Not a possibility since I haven't been on a date."

"How about just going somewhere alone - a bar?"

"Janet, how long have you known me?"

"Long enough to hope you wouldn't lie to me."

"I'm not lying. I haven't been to a bar. I haven't socialised with anyone but you and the members of SG-1 in the past, oh, for months."

"What about off world?"

"Apart from the visits to Haven, it's all been uninhabited planets for weeks."

"Ok, Sam. I want to do a physical exam to try to get a better idea of the time of conception. Once I've done that, we can tie down a shorter timeframe, and then we're going to have to go through your memories with a fine tooth comb. Is that ok?"

I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

She does the exam, and double checks her result with the date of my last period before speaking.

"Well, they're in agreement. I'd estimate that conception took place around four weeks ago - we'll take a look at a week either side for now."

I've got a feeling of total unreality about this. It's like a bad dream. I can't think clearly, can't remember what I was doing then. Janet takes pity on me.

"Ok, Sam. You have a calendar, don't you? In your lab?"

"Yes. On the desk."

"I'll get an orderly to go get it, ok?"

I nod.

"Can I get you anything? A drink?"

"Some water," I agree. I need to do something normal, something to anchor me to reality. I'm sipping the water when the orderly returns. Janet opens the book and makes some notes.

"The only off world mission in the timeframe was to PX2-788. The trip to Haven might just about qualify, but it's a little late."

"And we were there with my Dad! That's really going to have us throwing the regs. out the window, isn't it?" I'm confused but I'm still furious that she suspected us.

"Ok, Sam. What about while you were on earth?"

She holds the book out in front of me. I look at it, forcing my memory to go back to that time.

"That's when we had a problem with the gate. I was working eighteen hours a day reworking the programme for the dialling computer and crashing on base at night, remember? The PX2-788 mission was the first after we got it fixed."

She nods.

"What about PX2-788?"

"Uninhabited, and of no interest whatsoever. Probably the most boring mission I can remember."

"Sam, how would you feel about being hypnotised? Dr. McKenzie has used hypnosis in the past to uncover subconscious memories. If there's any clue there, he should be able to recover it."

"Yeah. I'll do it. Janet, I feel like I'm going crazy."

"Ok, before I bring him in, is there anything else you can think of. Think back to that time - around that mission. Anything. Black out, memory loss, discrepancy …"

I look at the dates, and count back the days.

"Oh, God!"

"Sam, what is it? What have you remembered?"

"That's when I had the first dream. The night we got back from PX2-788."

"Dreams? Sam, that's important. They may be subconscious memories. What can you tell me about them?"

"No, Janet, they're not memories. Just flights of fancy that're never going to come true."

"Sam, tell me. What sort of dreams?"

"Erotic … vivid and detailed."

"Why didn't you mention this before?"

"Because they're not memories. They couldn't be!"

"Who's in the dream, Sam? A stranger? Movie star? Who?"

"No, Janet."

"It's someone you know, isn't it?"

"Yes Janet, it's someone I know, and that's how I know it's not real. Because he would never hurt me."

She sits back in her chair and I realise that she'd been leaning closer and closer to me during the conversation. She's shaking her head and I know she knows who it is.

"It's Colonel O'Neill, isn't it?"

"It's not real, Janet. I know it isn't."

"And it's just a coincidence that he's gone to hell lately too? Guilt'll do that - especially to someone like the Colonel."

"No, Janet."

"It's possible it was someone else and you've just put a more acceptable face on it ..." she hedges, "or even some alien influence," but I can tell that she thinks it's unlikely. "Sam, I've got to report this. I've got a duty to you as my patient, but if you've been violated by your CO, then I've got to report it."

"No. You can't. It'll destroy him." My voice is breaking as I beg her to listen to me, but she's not going to change her mind.

"Sam, you need to calm down. If you don't, I'll have to sedate you."

"What about the baby? You can't sedate me!"

"You're not thinking straight, Sam. You're going to want to terminate the pregnancy, so what does it matter?"

"Janet, I'll calm down. Don't … please don't sedate me."

I start breathing deeply, desperate to bring myself down from the almost-hysteria I'd gotten to. At last, she seems content that I'm ok, but she orders me to bed in the infirmary to rest until she can set up the regression with McKenzie. I do as I'm told, but the moment I'm alone, I feel tears start. I imagine Janet telling Hammond what she knows, and the two of them will come to the same conclusion that Janet already did. Then Hammond will have no alternative but to face the Colonel with the suspicion. I know how seriously he takes the safety of his team. If any of us are injured, he takes it personally. Suggesting that he might be responsible … And if he's already withdrawn from everyone … I need to see him. I need to let him know that I know it's not true. But I know that there's no way Janet or the General will let me see him. Why wouldn't she believe me? It's … just not possible. I know it isn't.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Hitting the punching bag didn't help much. After, I tried to work and made myself miserable. More miserable. Both Daniel and Teal'c have come by, tried to make me talk. But they finally went away after I told them to leave me the hell alone.

By late afternoon, I've made a decision. I ask to see Hammond, and he pushes aside the file in front of him and gestures me to sit down.

"I'd rather stand, Sir," I tell him, and he shrugs.

"What's on your mind, Colonel?"

"Sir, I'd like to request a further leave of absence."

"You'd what? You've just had two weeks, and you're due to go off-world."

"That's ok, Sir. Carter'll handle it. It's time she had her own command anyway."

He looks even more shocked.

"You mean to tell me that you didn't know that Dr. Fraiser declared Major Carter unfit for active duty as of this morning?"

I sway a little; feeling like someone has hit me. How did I miss that? It's my business to know that, damn it.

"You were sent a memo this morning."

"I ... er, haven't seen it."

"So, what's the reason for leave this time?"

"Like before, it's personal."

"No, Colonel, it's gone way beyond personal. Have you looked at yourself, lately? You're a mess. Request denied, and I'm going to ask that Dr. MacKenzie give you a psychiatric evaluation immediately. This ... problem of yours has gone on long enough, and I want to get to the bottom of it."

"No, Sir."

"What did you say, Colonel?"

"I said 'No, Sir.'. I'm not letting that shrink anywhere near me."

"Are you refusing a direct order, Colonel?"

"Sounded like that to me. So maybe I should just go to plan B. I resign, Sir. You'll have my letter of resignation on your desk within the hour."

Hammond's standing face to face with me now. He's tried pulling the senior officer card, and all that's done is make me more determined. He comes to the other side of the desk, puts both hands on my shoulders and pushes me down into a chair.

"Colonel, I'm willing to forget the last couple of minutes because I believe that there is something very wrong with you, but if I don't get your co-operation, then you're looking at a court-martial. Do you understand? Do you even care?"

I don't care, not any more. A court-martial seems like a walk in the park compared with staying at the SGC. If I can't cope with the most basic command responsibility, then I'm no good to anyone, no good to her.

Hammond's phone rings, and he holds a hand up to me, making it clear he wants me to stay where I am. Whatever energy I had has gone during the confrontation, and I'm not sure I could get up even if I wanted to. I put my head in my hands and try to work out what went wrong and how I ended up like this.

I don't hear most of what Hammond says, but I do hear his final words before he hangs up.

"Yes, I understand, Doctor. You were perfectly correct to bring this to me right away."

He hangs up and immediately dials another number.

"This is General Hammond. I want a security detail to my office, now."

I look up, curious. Hammond regards me over the desk and his expression seems harder than before. The detail arrives, but he asks them to wait outside.

"Colonel O'Neill, I have just received information that you are implicated in the possible drugging and serious sexual assault and rape of a member of your team, probably while off world. I have no choice but to confine you on base until the matter can be investigated."

"Assault? Who?" I'm slow but I know the answer before I finish asking. "Carter was assaulted? No. I would have known. She's on my team. I wouldn't let ... " And then it dawns on me. I've been dreaming about her. Dreaming about being with her. Not for the first time, but these dreams are different – more real. They couldn't ... "Is Carter accusing me of raping her?"

"On the contrary, Major Carter has thus far defended you, but since she doesn't remember what happened, her testimony is hardly trustworthy."

He gestures to the security detail to come in and gives them an order.

"Please escort Colonel O'Neill to one of the isolation rooms at the infirmary immediately. When he's secure, do the same with Dr. Jackson and Teal'c. They are not to be allowed to communicate."

If I hadn't heard him say what he did, I might have fought being taken away. But the thought that someone hurt her, that they could think that I ... Almost worse than having Hammond thinking I could hurt her is the knowledge that Carter doesn't. Ever-loyal Carter ... trusts me. Even when I'm no longer sure she should. I was already feeling guilty. What I've been dreaming ... thinking about ... it's wrong. Using her. But I couldn't have ... not really. Could I?

My world is crumbling. Again. This time I thought I was safe. I know now I should have done something when I realised Carter was more than just a member of my team – long before I had any hope it might be mutual. I should have been strong, had her reassigned, but I was too needy, too weak. And now, it's gone too far. I know Hammond's right. That MacKenzie is the right sort of doctor. If I had any faith in shrinks I'd have suggested it weeks ago. But I've already had a lifetime's worth of people poking around my mind.

I look out the grille in the door, looking for someone, anyone, who can tell me how Carter is. I spot Dr. Fraiser, so I call her over.

"Doc., how's Carter?"

"Oh, you're worried now, are you?"

"Doc, I need to know how she is."

"She'll be fine. Now, I've got work to do."

She stalks away, but I feel her condemnation. I feel like I've been thrown into another universe – because I don't understand a single thing that's happening. I need to sit down. I back myself into a corner and just allow myself to slide to the floor. I always thought that if I went crazy I wouldn't realise - that I would think everyone else was crazy. But now I know better.

Even sitting on that cold, hard floor, I doze off. The dream's getting wilier, avoiding my defences. No longer starting at the beginning, going straight to her bedroom, her bed, her body revealed and eager. And then it changes. She's no longer eager and welcoming. I'm forcing her, she's fighting me, and I wake with a start, shaking with fear and relief that it's not real. I'm so tired I can hardly think. A night's sleep is an impossible dream. I flop onto the bunk. I try to slow my breathing, my heart rate, but I can't. Something inside snaps. I've got to get away from here, got to be alone, got to be where no one can hear me calling out her name while I sleep. I get up and start kicking on the door.

It doesn't take long. In seconds, Doc. Fraiser's there, takes one look and sends a nurse scurrying off for something. And then, a syringe in her hand and two burly orderlies at her side, she unlocks the door and while they hold me still, she explains that she's got to sedate me before I injure myself. I feel the needle go in, and then everything goes dark.

Relief. I open my eyes. Don't know where I am. But I don't remember dreaming.

The infirmary. Not locked up any more. I see Fraiser. I try to move but she's got me restrained. Don't blame her. She thinks I raped Carter. And God help me, I can't be sure I didn't. I can't be sure about anything any more. In my world, the one where I understand how things work, I couldn't hurt her. I hope to God she's ok.

"What's going to happen?" I finally ask.

"Well, I'd like you to answer some questions."

"Questions? You?"

"Colonel, you've been out for twenty-four hours. How long have you been having problems sleeping?"

"I haven't." The problem's been staying awake.

"But you're chronically short of sleep. Don't deny it. The sedative I gave you should have calmed you down for a few hours, but you didn't stir for twelve. Then you started thrashing about and making the most alarming sounds, and I had to give you another dose."

"Did I hurt anyone?"

"No. So, are you going to tell me what's been happening?"

"If you tell me how Carter is."

"Major Carter has been through a traumatic experience, but she's strong and I'm sure she'll be fine. I can't tell you any more than that. For now, I need to concentrate on you. What can you tell me about the mission to PX2-788?"

The ordinariness of the question throws me. I can't think.

"PX ... 2-788? Doc, I don't know. Can't think. What's the mission report say?"

"Colonel, if I wanted to read your mission report, I'd do that. Let me refresh your memory. A month ago – the last mission before SG-1 was given downtime, and just before you and Colonel Carter went off with the Tok'ra to investigate the planet Colonel Carter has been calling Haven."

Even following her sequence is hard. Takes concentration. But I force myself, remembering.

"Oh. That one. No one there, nothing to see. Went there, spent a couple of days, came back empty."

"And since that mission, have you been aware of anything odd? Blackouts, discrepancies in your memory, dreams?"

I start guiltily at that question. And she notices.

"The dreams started just after that."

"And these dreams, describe them."

"Just dreams, Doc."

"Ok, Colonel, cut the crap. Between you and Major Carter, I'm sick of this. Tell me about the dreams, and later we'll have a detailed chat about why you didn't come to me weeks ago."

And with that comes the patented O'Neill reaction. Back me into a corner and I'll come out fighting. "Ok, Doc, I'll tell you. They're wet dreams. You know, all naked bodies and …" I'm trying to embarrass her, say something crude, but the dreams are about Carter. Nothing about them is crude.

"No, Colonel, you don't get away with that. I don't need to know everything, but I do need to know who else was in them. It's important, or I wouldn't put either of us through this."

She holds my gaze for a moment, and I know she's not going to give up. I close my eyes so I can't see the condemnation in hers when I answer.

"Carter." My voice is a whisper, but I've said it.

I wait for her to speak. She's a professional, but she's also Carter's friend. I hear nothing. I open my eyes to find that she's leaning on the foot of the bed, the tension that marked our earlier confrontation gone.

"Thank you, Colonel. Now, I have some news for you. Both Major Carter and Dr. Jackson have been hypnotised by Dr. MacKenzie to try to bring out repressed memories of that mission. We tried Teal'c, but he was protected by his symbiote. I'm not going to give you any details, but we have uncovered some significant discrepancies between their conscious and unconscious memories. I'd like you to undergo the same procedure."

I almost refuse. I'm about to, but she's back up close to my face. "Colonel, I don't have to remind you that you're facing serious charges here. And regardless of that, you can't go on like this. We need to find out what's going on, and in my medical opinion, recovering those suppressed memories is the first, essential step."

"Ok," I agree. "Just ... promise me something."

"What?"

"Look after Carter. Whatever happened to her, look after her."

"Colonel, I always look after my patients. And in this instance, that includes you."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Janet kept me in a side room of the infirmary after the regression, saying she wanted to keep an eye on me. Even after a night's sleep I'm still shaky as I try to accept what we found. It looks like it might not have been a dream. The mission went nothing like my conscious memories. I've since been told that Daniel's regression yielded enough similarity that they're convinced they're getting to the truth. Janet wants to repeat the procedure on Colonel O'Neill, but she's had him sedated since yesterday, and he's with McKenzie right now. I know he's been through hell. I just hope he remembers enough to realise he didn't hurt me. I heard him screaming yesterday. The whole base must've heard him. Incoherent, full of anguish and fury and absolute terror.

I read through the transcript of my regression, trying to assimilate the memory. We arrive on the planet to a view identical to the one the MALP had sent back. The planet is mountainous and pretty inhospitable. There's an icy wind and the temperature's not much above freezing. As we're waiting for the Colonel's order to move out, there's suddenly a haze in front of us. We tense, ready to defend ourselves, and the haze separates into three forms, becoming denser like smoke before solidifying into three figures – two men and a woman. They look human, well, except that their legs seem to taper away into gas towards the ground, and they look like they've escaped from the set of Aladdin – all see-through shirts and satin pants.

"Welcome, friends," the one in the centre intones. He has the appearance of a man of middle age, bulky, dark and muscular. The one on my right, standing right in front of the Colonel, is female, apparently in her twenties, with dark hair and pale grey eyes. Her outfit doesn't leave a lot to the imagination. I remember being irritated with the Colonel for staring, but I managed to keep from mentioning that detail. The third is male with similar colouring and features to the woman, but younger-looking, perhaps a younger brother if such designations apply.

"Greetings," Daniel begins. "We expected this planet to be uninhabited. We are peaceful explorers, and we would like to learn about you and your people."

"Ah, but we will be delighted to learn about you," our host replies, bowing deeply. "Please, come with us."

I take a look at the Colonel, but he just does that minute shrug which means that we go along with it for now, and we follow them. Minutes later, we enter a cave and, after we pass through a narrow, low entrance, we arrive in a huge opening, hundreds of yards across and lit with what look to be crystal chandeliers far above our heads. The temperature seems impossibly higher than outside, given that it's open to the elements - too warm for our outdoor clothing.

We're taken to a seating area towards one wall, with soft cushions on the floor and intricate woven hangings on the surrounding rock.

Once we're all seated, we're offered refreshment, but the Colonel refuses on our behalf - a sure sign that he's uncomfortable about something.

"Oh, it would do you no harm at all," our host assures us. "Although we are not human, we know a great deal about your kind."

"Well, you have the advantage," Daniel counters. "We know nothing at all about you."

"We are the Deejin, have you heard of us?"

Colonel O'Neill answers before Daniel can get a word in.

"No, should we?"

"No matter," the Deejin replies. "I am Aaquib, and these are Talib," he gestures to the young man, "and Maysam." His sister? "You are among the most fortunate of all mortals. We wish to offer you all your dearest wishes."

The colonel quirks an eyebrow at that. "You what?"

"It's what we do. We exist to grant wishes to human kind."

"You can't get much in the way of job satisfaction then."

The Deejin look confused.

"There don't seem to be a whole lot of humans here," the Colonel explains.

"Ah, yes, yes, you're right, of course. But still, all the more reason for us to do something really special for you."

"Thanks but no thanks," the Colonel answers. "We've come to find out about the planet and you, but that's it. Our dearest wishes will stay ungranted. If that's a problem, then we'll leave."

"Ah, but you can't possibly leave. You've only just arrived."

"That's it," the Colonel says, getting up. "We're out of here."

I start to get up, but everything goes black.

I waken in a bedroom alone. It's full of satins in pastel colours, and it's quite a picture. I check myself over, looking for a sign of injury, but I find nothing. I've no idea how they knocked me out, but I know they did. I creep to the door and through a narrow opening, I peer out. The room is set into the wall of the cavern we entered. There's movement in the cushioned area we were in before – I can see Daniel lying in the centre of the room and the three Deejin are around him, holding hands.

Seeing that they're distracted, I reach down to find my radio, but it's gone, along with my weapons. I lean back to the opening, softly calling the Colonel and Teal'c. They don't answer, but I wasn't quiet enough for the Deejin, because I feel myself being compelled in the direction of the bed and then falling onto it as blackness overcomes me again.

The next thing I remember is being taken out of the room and to the seating area. Colonel O'Neill is already there, lying in the centre as I'd seen Daniel earlier, and he seems to be unconscious. I don't remember struggling, although I do remember feeling that my emotions had somehow been buried. They place me by his side and then I feel them probing my mind, looking for the thoughts I keep hidden.

I feel a sense of triumph and excitement a few moments later, and then I'm compelled to change into clothes that have appeared from nowhere – something satin and filmy that I'd never wear if I had the choice. The Colonel is moving too, changing into a suit or some sort, and I can see the fury in his eyes that there's nothing he can do to prevent both of us from the indignity. And then, everything else is forgotten, and I'm in the dream, trying to pull up the zipper of my dress when I hear my doorbell ringing. It's my dream, the one I've been having over and over; the same dream that's gone from being a special gift to a curse in the intervening weeks.

And that's when I realise that everything that matters in that dream is real. Oh, the location's in my mind, and the dress I'm wearing is nothing like the one I could see, but the conversation, the kisses and touches, they were all real.

Daniel's memories even provided the last bit of proof. Janet said that he remembers waking and seeing Jack and me dancing together among those cushions with the Deejin surrounding us. I'm just glad that's all he saw. Then again, maybe it's just all he's admitting to.

And thinking about what he might have witnessed, I'm dragged back to the present. I'm pregnant. It's a sign of how much has changed in the past twenty-four hours or so that I can actually say and believe that. And the knowledge that everything that I've been dreaming about really happened, leads me to the inevitable conclusion that the baby is the Colonel's. Janet still wants to do a paternity test although she has confirmed that there's no sign of alien DNA, effectively ruling out her suggestion of a 'more acceptable face'. Apart from anything else, it confirms that the Colonel and I have, at least technically, torn the fraternisation rules to shreds. The positive thing for me is that it proves that I wasn't assaulted by anyone - least of all the Colonel. I'd never believed that was possible anyway, but having a memory to back it up makes me feel that my situation is a little more defensible. The most important thing for me now, is making sure that Colonel O'Neill isn't hauled over the coals for this.

Janet guided me through some relaxation exercises to help me sleep last night, but I suspect that the better night's sleep I got was more because I know it's not a dream. And since the regression, she's been using me like a pin cushion, so she can investigate how the naquadah and the hormonal changes are interacting. She's still convinced that there was only ever a small probability of me getting pregnant, and it's Murphy's Law that it happened like this. I remember when she first told me that I probably wouldn't be able to have children. I was saddened, but it seemed like a distant goal and I think I'd accepted it. Now, that I'm pregnant, I find that I don't want to make a quick decision to end the pregnancy. If someone had come to me before all this started and told me that I'd end up pregnant as a result of alien intervention, I'd have taken it for granted that I would have a termination. Now that it's happened … my reaction is rather different. But that leads to another question. If it's the Colonel's child … Jack's child, what do I do if he doesn't want me to have the baby? Could I give up on what could be my only chance to have a child of my own because he doesn't want to be a father again? And I would understand if that's how he feels after what he went through with Charlie; I can easily see that he wouldn't want to risk his heart again. And could I hurt him by going ahead if he doesn't want me to?

I manage to doze for a while, waking with a start to see Janet looking me over.

"How're you feeling, Sam?"

"Better. I needed to sleep."

"I noticed. Are you up to talking?"

"Sure, Janet. What's happened?"

"We did the regression with Jack. His version agrees with yours to a remarkable extent. I even managed to get him to describe the dress, the restaurant, some of the ... less embarrassing details. They match. Somehow, and I can't imagine how they did it, the Deejin conjured a set of circumstances and left you and the Colonel to react to them. And the result of that is what you've both been dreaming for weeks."

"Jack's had the dreams too?"

"Yeah. And your reactions have been pretty similar. He's hardly slept in weeks and he's actually been handling it worse than you. General Hammond wanted the Colonel to have a psychiatric evaluation, but I've decided to cut him some slack for now since he did agree to the regression. We'll see how he does."

"And he knows it's real?"

"Yeah."

"What about Hammond? He needs to know that Colonel O'Neill didn't assault me."

"Technically, he did. It just seems like he wasn't in his right mind when he did."

"No, Janet, he didn't assault me. Nothing happened between us that I didn't want at the time and in the circumstances that I believed existed. At the end of it, all I felt was loved. There was no assault."

"Perhaps, although there's still the fraternisation regulations to think about."

"Nonsense! They can't apply. If it comes to talking about an assault, the Colonel's as much a victim as you thought I was."

"I know, Sam. Look, I need to go and give General Hammond an update. I'll certainly give my opinion that Colonel O'Neill is not guilty of assaulting you, and that the fraternisation regulations should not apply in this case. How he'll read the facts, I don't know."

"Thanks, Janet."

"Just doing my job."

"Do you feel like getting up for a while?"

"Yeah, if you'll let me."

"Colonel O'Neill wants to talk to you."

Oh boy. Am I ready to face him? Will I ever be?

"Does he know I'm pregnant?"

"No, Sam. The only other person who knows is General Hammond, and that's only because he needed to know why I believed you'd been assaulted. And it can stay that way if you want it to."

I suspect it's going to be the hardest conversation of my life, but I know I need to see him. And the idea of not telling him is thrown out immediately. Keeping a secret like that – I'd never be able to work with him again. I know I wouldn't.

"Yeah, I'll talk to him."

"Ok, pull on some clothes and come to my office. I'll see if I can have him brought down."

I'm sitting there, not sure how to begin to tell him what's happened, when I spot him standing in the doorway. I'm shocked at what his appearance. He looks … older than I've ever seen him.

"Carter?"

His voice is soft and unsure.

"Colonel, come in. Janet said we should use her office to talk." I stand to meet him. Seeing Jack O'Neill so unsure of himself is just wrong, and I've got to do something about it.

He approaches, stopping an arm-length away.

"Carter, I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I just didn't …"

"It's ok, Sir. I know. We were both under an illusion."

"But it's not ok, is it? Those bastards used me to … rape you. It doesn't matter how you dress it up, that's what happened. I know you'll never be able to forgive me, and I understand that. I just needed to tell you … that I'm sorry."

"You've got no reason to apologise, Sir. You didn't do anything wrong - at least no more than I did."

"No, Carter. I'm your CO. I should have realised something was wrong … had some control. I should …"

"Stop it, Sir. Please. It's done and we have to move on. We're not going to do that if you're wallowing in guilt."

He looks at me, and for a moment I think he expects me to start yelling. Instead, I smile. It seems to have the desired effect.

"Wallowing, Carter? I don't wallow."

"Good to know, Sir. But there's something else I need to tell you."

The half-smile is gone and there's fear back in his eyes. Instinctively, I reach out a hand to him to lead him towards me, but I stop. He gets my meaning, and follows me to one of the two chairs arranged close to Janet's desk. I sit in the other one.

"Sir, you need to know … I'm pregnant."

"You're …"

He closes his eyes and I see his mouth open a few times without a sound coming out. When he manages to speak, all he manages is a single strangled word. "Mine?"

"Yes, Sir. I think so. There hasn't been anyone else."

"But I thought the naquadah in your blood meant …"

"Yeah, so did I."

"Oh, God, Carter. What do you want to do?"

"To be honest, Sir, I don't know. I thought I'd accepted that I'd never have children, but now?"

"But if it's happened once, it could happen again."

I shake my head. "Janet thinks it's pretty much a fluke."

"You'd consider keeping it?"

"Like I said, Sir, I don't know. It's been a shock. When Janet told me, I was in denial. I kept telling her it was impossible."

"Carter, it's your decision and I'm not going to try to influence it. Just know this. Whatever you decide, you've got my support. Whatever you want. Understand?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Stop calling me Sir, please. I don't deserve your respect, not after …"

"I'll try, Jack. But there's no point beating yourself up about this. Whatever else you believe, you've got to know that it's not your fault, and I don't blame you."

Judging by the look on his face I know I haven't convinced him, but I haven't given up.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

I'm relieved when Fraiser turns up just after that and insists Carter needs to rest. I'm not sure I feel any saner than I did before. It's like I'm powerless. Not in control.

I push back the hope. She must despise me. I know she didn't say that, but she must. Or she will. The suggestion that she might keep the baby is … She can't want that. I need to forget the possibility. Steel myself for the inevitable. Because hoping? That way lies disappointment.

On the way out, the doctor takes me aside. "By the way, Colonel, you're confined to base until I say otherwise. If you think you're going to have problems sleeping tonight, come to me and I'll give you a sedative. Understood?"

"Sure," I agree, but I really don't want one. One good thing about being in a base built to withstand a sustained attack - sleeping quarters are reasonably sound-proofed.

I go to the commissary and get a coffee, sitting with it in my hands until it's cold. Before I finish it, I'm summoned to Hammond. Not an interview I'm looking forward to.

He's on the phone, but gestures me to close the door and sit down.

When he hangs up, he turns his attention to me.

"I've just spoken to Major Carter. She seems remarkably well considering everything we've learned."

"Yes, Sir."

"And you?"

"I feel like I've wandered into one of those alternate universes Carter likes to talk about."

"Yes, well, I can see how that would be." His half-smile disappears.

"The fact remains, Colonel, that the Air Force must consider this whole situation to be extremely serious. An officer under your command has been seriously assaulted while off world, and to make matters worse, that assault was apparently carried out by her commanding officer. Anything you'd like to add?"

"I … Sir, I can't defend what happened. I can only say that I was under the influence of some sort of … I don't know, brainwashing? Hypnosis? I'm sure Carter can explain it better."

"I see. Major Carter is adamant that you are not guilty of an assault. I consider her opinion on the matter, given the circumstances, to be quite remarkable."

"She's a remarkable officer, Sir."

"And fortunately for you, Dr. Jackson's memories recovered during the regression correlate well enough with yours and Major Carter's to sway the balance of evidence."

"That doesn't change the basic situation, Sir. Carter was assaulted while under my command."

"Yes, Colonel. However, I don't believe that it's in anyone's interest for us to start assigning blame among the personnel of SG-1. There will be people enough ready to point fingers at both you and Major Carter. We both know that there are factions who will be happy to have both of you out of the programme and we can expect them to present the facts in the worst possible light."

"Yes, Sir."

"Politically, things are difficult at the moment. If we put a foot wrong, we could find responsibility for the SGC falling into hands that would make me … very uncomfortable. Putting aside your personal feelings on the matter, for the sake of the SGC, we need to consider methods of damage control."

Damage control? For crying out loud! I close my eyes for a second before answering.

"Sir, may I remind you that Major Carter is in the infirmary, pregnant as a result of an assault. We need to deal with those responsible."

"She told you, then?" His voice is softer, concerned.

"Yes, Sir."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I'll support whatever decision she makes. I told her that."

"I see. As to the matter of blame, I've already told you that Major Carter doesn't consider you culpable."

"Leaving me out of it for the moment, there's that group of satin-pyjamaed Deejin that I'd really like to do some pounding on."

"I'm going to assume that you don't mean that literally. What do you have in mind, Colonel?"

"Send me back there. I'll find out what the hell they thought they were doing."

"No, Colonel. While I can see some merit in sending another team, I do not believe that sending you, in your current emotional state, would be remotely helpful."

"But Sir, …"

"That decision has been made, Colonel. I asked for your input in minimising the damage to the SGC. If you don't have anything useful to offer, then I suggest you go and get on with your revised mission report for PX2-788!"

I'm angry, sure I am. But while I know he's making the wrong decision, I know he's right about the other problem.

"Well, Sir, there's one thing that might help. I could resign."

"I'll be honest, Colonel. I wasn't going to ask, but I was hoping you'd suggest that. I'd like to have your letter of resignation on my desk before the end of today. However, I'd ask you not to date it."

I didn't expect him to agree quite so easily. "Sir?"

"Colonel, the loss of your experience is not in the best interests of the SGC. However, it might be necessary in order to save the SGC and other of its key personnel from greater harm. I undertake not to use it unless I believe it is essential."

"Permission to speak freely, Sir."

"Granted. What's on your mind, Jack?"

"You can have the letter; I think you're going to need it. But, I'd like to ask a favour. I know I'm in no position, but …"

"Spit it out, Jack."

"Make sure Carter doesn't suffer from this. She's got her whole career ahead of her."

"An appropriate gesture from a commanding officer. However, I suspect it's more than that."

" If Dr. Fraiser briefed you, you already know that."

"Yes, she did. Why did you let it go so far, Jack? You could have had her reassigned to a different team."

"It not that simple, Sir, and you know it. Having her reassigned would have damaged her reputation, made it seem that I didn't trust her. And you know what the Air Force is like! There's always going to be someone who'll believe she's been sleeping her way to promotion." I don't add the rest – that I needed her with me - needed to take the same risks she did.

"And none of that would have been as potentially damaging as the current situation."

"Yes, Sir."

I feel all the indignation draining away because he's right. I should have done something long before now.

"For what it's worth, Colonel, I was already of a mind to do my best to protect Major Carter. However, you must understand that I can make no promises."

"I do, Sir. Thank you. You'll have that letter within the hour."

I go to find somewhere to write the letter and do the damn paperwork. Although the point of a new mission report when we've got three different regression records? Must be one of those Air Force mysteries that mere Colonels are unable to comprehend.

I haven't gotten far when Daniel yells at me from behind.

"Hold up, Jack."

I stop, but I really don't want to talk.

"How're you doing, Jack? Last I saw you, you were pretty upset."

"I'm still upset, Daniel, I'm just handling it a little better."

"Er, good? Have you seen Sam? Dr. Fraiser won't let me see her."

"Yes, I've seen her."

"And?"

"And she's doing ok."

"Now that's just the sort of thing Doctor Fraiser said. And you know what? It doesn't tell me a damn thing!"

"I know, Daniel."

"Look, Jack. I'm going crazy here. We were all locked up because Sam had been sexually assaulted during that mission and we were all implicated. I know I was unconscious for a good part of the time on the planet, so I don't know what happened to her, but I'm worried. Now I assume that since we're all walking around freely, they know we didn't do it, but it doesn't explain why she's in the infirmary."

"It's not my story to tell, Daniel. What happened to Carter was very personal. Look, you'll be able to see her soon. She's doing ok."

He takes a deep breath, knowing that I've said all I'm going to. "And you, Jack? You've got to know what my illusion was. What was your dearest wish? Was it having Charlie back?"

Now that he's asked the question, I feel a stab of guilt that that wasn't my dearest wish. Surely it should have been.

"No, Daniel, it wasn't. Look, Carter'll be fine. She'll want to talk to you once she's out of the infirmary. Just … be there for her. Ok?""

"Always, Jack. But …"

I hold up a hand. He shakes his head. I'd like to put him out of his misery, I really would, but it's for Carter to explain when she's ready.

"Where's Teal'c?"

"In my lab. I've been doing some research into the Deejin."

"Oh, don't tell me."

"Yes, Jack. I'm surprised you didn't see it for yourself. Just like the ancient Egyptian and Norse legends turn out to have a basis in history, it looks like other legends do too."

"Well, they did look oddly familiar."

"Jack, stories about djiin, granting of wishes, sound familiar?"

"Djiin?"

"Also known as genies. 'I am the genie of the lamp and I will grant you three wishes.' You know the sort of thing."

"Yes I do, Daniel. Well, good luck with the research. I've got a mission report and … other things to write."

I escape then. I need to be alone. I need to get off base. I need a beer. Or several. Several would be better.

I go down to the gateroom. I know it's over. Hammond just confirmed what I already knew. This place … this part of my life … is over. Carter's going to terminate the pregnancy. It's her only option. She's bright; she'll work it out. I promised Jacob I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise her career. Hell, I said I'd look after her, and I haven't done that. She needs to make the right decision, and to do that she needs me gone. And the rest doesn't matter. It's not like I'd be able to work with her again. Knowing what we shared was real, I can't go back. The dreams were bad enough. Keeping my hands in my pockets isn't enough any more. Maybe it never really was.

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The meeting with Jack took more out of me than I'd realised, and Janet sends me back to bed after it with instructions to relax.

"How did you sleep last night?"

"Better. I think I had the dream, but it was different. As if, knowing it was real means it doesn't have any power over me any more."

"That's good, Sam."

"But I still feel like I lost something."

"Oh, Sam ... The dream will fade; I'm sure of it. As to whether you've lost something, only time will tell."

I nod.

"Get some sleep. In the morning, if you're up to it, I'll release you. I want you to stay on base for a bit though. And you might want to think about talking to Daniel and Teal'c. They've been pestering me on the hour wanting to talk to you."

"But …"

"Stop, Sam. It was my clinical judgement that you weren't up to reliving your ordeal again yet. You've done the most important ones - the regression, talking to the Colonel. The others can wait."

"Tell them I'll see them in the morning, will you?"

"I'll tell them you'll see them in the morning if you're up to it," she promises.

By the time morning comes, I've had two good nights' sleep, and I'm feeling a lot better. On condition that I take it easy, Janet tells me to go and get some breakfast, so I make my way to the commissary. I'm aware of eyes everywhere, but I steel myself to ignore it. A place like the SGC is rife with rumours, and with what's happened these last few days, there're bound to be lots of those.

I spot Daniel and Teal'c, and I go to join them, and their welcome makes it seem like it's been months since I saw them.

"Are you well, Major Carter? You appear uninjured." Teal'c asks.

"I'm fine. Honestly."

"You had us worried, Sam. What with the secrecy and all. Even Jack wouldn't tell us what it was all about, and you know Jack, he's not exactly a stickler for protocol if he doesn't think it's important."

"I'm sorry I had you worried, and I will explain – at least as well as I can, but not here. Can we meet in my lab in an hour? No, make that yours Daniel. Mine's still got some Goa'uld-unfriendly rock. See if you can get the Colonel to come. It really concerns him too."

I can see that Daniel has questions already, but he's sensitive enough not to push now that I've told him I'll explain.

After breakfast, I go to take a shower, and then spend the intervening time tidying up some of the work in my lab. There's a lot to do, but I know I've got to clear the decks before I can get on with it.

I get to Daniel's lab to find him alone. Jack arrives next, ignoring Daniel, and looking to me for reassurance that he's welcome.

"You sure you want me here?" he asks.

"Of course, Sir. What happened on that mission happened to SG-1. While some of us seem to have been more profoundly affected than others, I think we need to be together on that."

"Whatever you say, Carter."

He sits and watches me for a bit - not obviously, and if I wasn't watching him, I probably wouldn't notice. He's nervous. He's slouched over, but his fingers and hands don't stop moving - picking at a fingernail, scratching at a mark on the table, he doesn't stop. I'm relieved when Teal'c arrives a short while later. Once we're seated around the table, I sit for a moment gathering my thoughts.

"Sam?" Daniel reminds me, his impatience getting the better of him.

"I'm not sure where to begin," I say, only to have Jack answer.

"The beginning's normally a good place. Let's start with what we remember about the mission to PX2-788."

"Well, we know it wasn't an uninhabited planet. In fact, the aliens there seem to be the basis for the 'genie of the lamp' stories in Earth legend," Daniel explains.

"Yes," I continue. "And they offered to make our dearest wishes come true. Daniel, what did you experience?"

"They gave me the illusion that I had Sha're back. It was fine while it lasted, but since I got back, I've had this looming sense of disappointment. It might have seemed good at the time, but now I'm not convinced it was much of a gift."

"And have you been dreaming about her?"

"Yes, but then that's not so unusual. Sometimes I've dreamt the details of the illusion, sometimes it's just a dream like I've had hundreds of times before."

"And you, Teal'c?"

"As you know, Dr. McKenzie was unable to hypnotise me. However, I believe that my thoughts about my wife and son have been more vivid since that mission."

"So," Daniel continues. "I already knew that. What about you and Jack, and why all the secrecy?"

**"**Well, Daniel," Jack jumps in. "That's because my dearest wish was to retire and take the Major here out for dinner as a prelude to some rather more … private activities."

Daniel does that silent "Oh," thing.

"And you, Sam?"

"And mine was apparently kind of the same."

"So you both … wanted the same thing?"

"Seems that way, Daniel."

"Ok, but that still doesn't explain why …"

He stops, and I can literally see his brain making the connections. I decide to wait and see if he can work it out.

"Unless, because you were both wanting the same thing, instead of giving you an illusion, they just provided the circumstances which allowed you to actually … I saw you dancing … Oh, God. You …"

"Exactly, Daniel. Now, if you're going to hit me, get it over with." Jack really is looking as if he believes one of the guys is going to hurt him.

"Jack, I'm not going to hit you. Well, not unless Sam thinks I should?"

"No, Daniel, I don't. I don't hold the Colonel to blame for what happened, and I've told him that."

"So, that's why there was talk of an assault?"

"Yes, Daniel."

He goes back to thinking.

"Ok, I've got it so far. What I'm not sure about, if our memories of the mission were wiped, what tipped you off? Because I didn't have a clue."

"Well, that would be because I'm pregnant." I drop the bombshell to a predictable silence.

"You're ..."

"Yes. When Janet told me, I was convinced she was wrong; it wasn't possible. When I finally persuaded her that I really hadn't had the ... opportunity, she started asking me about any recent anomalies. And there was the dream."

"Which isn't a dream," Daniel finishes for me.

"So, while on PX2-788, you and Jack ... and you're pregnant. And neither of you realised it was real until you were faced with the evidence."

"That's about the size of it."

Teal'c finally breaks his silence. "You are going to be parents, Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter."

"Whoa there, T," the Colonel responds quickly. "Carter has to make up her mind about that. It's her decision."

He looks confused. "But you care for one another. That has been apparent for some time. You wished to take your relationship further. That is apparent from the nature of the wishes. Major Carter, do you not wish to be a mother?"

"It's not that simple, Teal'c. Yes, I'd always hoped to be a mom one day. But after Jolinar, I'd given up on the idea because Janet was pretty convinced it couldn't happen. And given the circumstances, ... I don't know what to do."

I know my eyes are filling as I speak, and inevitably Jack jumps to my defence.

"Leave it, Teal'c. Carter's in this position through no fault of her own. I think she needs us all to back off."

"Whatever you decide, Sam, you know I'm here for you," Daniel adds.

"As am I."

"What about you, Jack?"

"Carter already knows I'll support her decision."

His voice is strangely cold. I glance at him, but he's looking at Daniel, his expression challenging him to say anything. He gets up then and walks out of the door. He's hurting too. I know he is. The decision I make about the baby will affect him too, but he's not given me any indication of what he feels beyond the guilt that's so obviously eating at him.

"It's hit him hard," I comment when Daniel looks at me. I know from his expression that he's annoyed with the Colonel for leaving.

"But, Sam ..."

"No, Daniel. This has hit him as hard as it hit me. He's eaten up with guilt, but the one thing that's clear in my memory is that he has nothing to feel guilty about."

"So, you've got a decision to make."

"Yeah. There's time, but not a lot of it. I wish I knew how he felt, but he's adamant that he's not going to influence the decision."

"You've got to know that Jack'd love to be a dad again, Sam. For God's sake, he loves you."

"I thought he did. That's how it seemed in the dream, but I don't know any more. I don't know what he wants for us. And since the dreams, he's been avoiding me. I didn't understand why, but now I do. Something about the experience changed something. And after Charlie, I don't know if he could cope with being a father again. I don't think I could hurt him by having the baby if that's how he felt. I know him. Even if he cut himself off from us, the fact that he had a child somewhere would tear him apart. But then if I decide to terminate the pregnancy, will I always hold that against him?"

"I don't think that's a problem, Sam. If you want my opinion, Jack desperately wants to be a dad. If it hadn't been for how he felt about you, I think he'd have found someone years ago and started again. But if you want to terminate, I know he'd support that too. He'd understand."

"I agree, Daniel Jackson."

I sit and listen to them, and I hope they're right, but surely if they were, he wouldn't be so distant. After what we shared, surely he'd … want to be part of the decision, want to touch me - even if it was just a hand on my shoulder. And if they're wrong, then having the child could be the thing that finally drives him away completely.

I've already started to wonder who the child will take after – whether he or she will have his deep brown eyes or my blue. I imagine a child, a beautiful daughter. No evidence, just … She feels like a real person to me, and the prospect of getting rid of her has been getting harder to contemplate by the hour.

* * *


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

I can feel Daniel's eyes on my back as I leave his lab. I know he thinks I'm deserting her. Deserting the team. He doesn't understand the military. He doesn't see that what I'm doing – what I know I need to do – is Carter's only hope. The letter I left on Hammond's desk was my resignation as agreed, except it's dated. Today. So I can keep my promise to Jacob. If I'm here, I'm scared she'll see my need and let that influence her. Without me, she'll get rid of the baby and I'll be gone. And then her life can get back on track. She's got a brilliant career ahead of her. This … this won't help. But, if there's no physical reminder, it'll fade. If I stay in her life in any way - professional or personal, someone, some time, will bring it all up again. We can make it as classified as we like - call it behaviour under alien influence - but there'll be someone who'll remember. There can't be any connection between us. Took me a while to work it out. Never was the sharpest knife in the drawer. Haven't had to be. That's her job.

Not sure I could stand to stay anyway. I don't think I'll be able to look at her again without remembering how we were. Without imagining our child.

Now that I've resigned, I'm free to ignore Fraiser's order to stay on base. I know I'll have to go back, clear things out, but I can do that when she's not there. At home, I try to lose myself in watching TV but it doesn't work. I could go to the cabin, and I will. In a day or two. But I don't have the photos there. Not as many.

I sit there looking through pictures of the past. Feels like someone else's life. Charlie. A babe in his mother's arms. Older, just walking. Smiling at me. Life throws you some hard knocks and you think you can deal. But there's always something that gets through the armour you've put up around yourself. And my weakness is Sam Carter. And the child. I promised myself, after Charlie, that I wouldn't let anyone else in like that. But it happened anyway.

Charlie gave me more in his short life than anyone ever has. Despite the agony that losing him caused, I could never have wished that he didn't happen. That he never had his arms around my neck. That I didn't feel my chest swell with pride when he called me 'Dad'.

From the moment I knew Sara was pregnant, I loved my son. And knowing that I've got a son or daughter growing inside Sam ... But I know that the child only exists as a result of an assault on her. And that to have him or her would be a professional disaster for her.

The phone rings but I ignore it. I know who it is. At least, it's one of two. It's either Hammond calling to tear me a new one for making the only decision I could. Or it's Daniel going to yell at me for not supporting Carter the way he thinks I should. Either way, I just ignore it.

Before this, I'd have given a lot to know how Carter really felt about me. Now, I've got an idea. The Sam in my memory … I thought she loved me. But we never got beyond the physical; we didn't talk about the future. I just know how I felt – almost sure that it was the beginning of a life together. Then we found what really happened. And there's no way she could want me now. It's almost like one of those quantum things Carter likes to bamboozle us with. The universe is playing with me. It gave me a taste of everything I could hope for - Sam's love, a life with her and our child - but now I've seen it, it's gone. And the worst of it is that I can't forget it. I'll never forget how it felt to have her in my arms, how she responded, …Knowing that there's a child that we made and I'll never know them is a knife in my gut – worse – because this pain won't kill me.

It took longer than I expected. Daniel knocking on my door. Sounds like he's alone. Another surprise. I thought maybe he'd bring Teal'c. Then again, he probably drew the short straw.

"Jack, I know you're there. I can see your truck. Open up."

I pour myself a scotch.

"Jack. Open up."

Another sip. It goes quiet. And then I hear the truck door close and I know he's remembered I keep a spare key in the glove box. I should've locked the damn truck.

I ignore him. Hard when he's standing in front of me.

"Jack."

"Go away, Daniel."

"No, Jack. If you want me gone, you're going to have to throw me out."

I consider it. But I'm not mad enough. Yet.

"What do you think you're doing, Jack?"

"Having myself a scotch. Want one?"

"No. It's a bit early, isn't it?"

"I'm retired. Time has no meaning."

"You are not retired. General Hammond told me what you did. He also told me he's not going to process the resignation."

That's not good.

"Why? He asked for it. I just made it immediate."

"Jack. You're being an idiot."

"So?"

"Sam needs you."

"No way. You're not getting me with that. I'm the last person she needs. She hasn't got any choice. There's only one way this can go, and she'll work it out once she puts the hormones aside. The only way her career comes out of this in one piece is if she terminates the pregnancy and keeps the hell away from me. I'm just making it easier. She can continue at the SGC. I even recommended that she take command of SG-1."

"So that's it. Jack O'Neill gives up. Skulks off to a corner somewhere to lick his wounds?"

"If that's how you see it."

"Why, Jack?"

"Because I don't have a choice. Even if she transferred to another team, it wouldn't work."

He sighs deeply and I know he's not convinced. Not sure I care.

I drain the last of the scotch in my glass and pour another.

"I thought I had it all, you know?"

He doesn't answer, but he does sit down.

"My life was complete. I had a beautiful wife who I loved. I had a son. We hoped there'd be more, but it didn't happen. I had my career. And in a single moment, I lost it all. I promised myself I'd never let anyone in again."

"But you did. Abydos changed that."

"Skaara. Yeah. And then SG-1. I thought I could make it work. Friends. I thought that'd be better than family. I've lost friends before. It hurts, but I pick myself up after. The Stargate, the team, action, adventure … near death. And Sam Carter to save my ass when it needed saving. But it wasn't enough. I used to dream. Not those ones. Just daydreams. One day. When the planet didn't need us any more. Then, I'd tell her how I felt. See if she could love an old man like me. And then the Deejin come in and destroy …"

"Jack, I can see how it hurts, but I don't see that they destroyed anything."

"I know, Daniel. I know how it feels to be with her. And I can't be in her life without that. Not now."

"How do you know it's not possible?"

"Daniel, it's not how it works. We're military, and Carter's headed for the top. She can't do that without making hard decisions. She'll piss people off. And sooner or later, one of those people will hear a rumour, do some digging. If there's no physical evidence, if there's no ex-CO in her life, then maybe, just maybe, it'll go away. Otherwise … She's pregnant by her CO, for God's sake. She'll get rid of it, but it'll be on her record. And even if it wasn't like that, how could she want me in her future now? How could she not despise me? I pretty much despise myself."

"She hasn't decided to get rid of it."

"She will, Daniel. Like I said, she's bright. She'll work it out. She always does."

"I think you're wrong, Jack. She knows this might be her only chance to have a child of her own. She could do with your support."

I close my eyes. "I promised Jacob. He knew something was up. Creepy. I promised him I wouldn't hurt her career. If I stay, I break that promise. I know how it's going to end and I won't, can't be around to see it."

"So you, what? Just give up. Just let her get on with it."

"She's got you and Teal'c."

"But she doesn't want us! God, Jack. You can be so dense sometimes."

"Never claimed otherwise."

He gets up. "General Hammond said to tell you you've got a week's leave. Use it to get yourself sorted out. And … leave off the scotch. Oh, and if you don't get your ass back on the base in a week, Teal'c and I will come and drag you in. Even if we have to drag you from Minnesota. Got it, Jack?"

He leaves. Alone again. It feels right. It's the way I should be.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Being restricted to base means that I've got plenty of time to think. Especially when Janet and Daniel are making sure I don't spend too much time in my lab. I'm just not sure whether that's a good thing or not.

Colonel O'Neill's gone. He resigned. I know General Hammond is calling it a week's leave, but I know him. He's made it clear he can't bear to be around me. I understand - more than I thought I would. But it doesn't stop it from hurting like hell. He doesn't want me. Maybe what happened was enough to show him that what he thought he felt just isn't enough. And he's made it pretty clear that he doesn't want anything to do with our child.

The one good thing is that it makes the decision easier. Now that I know that there'll never be anything between us, I know exactly what to do. I'm sick of putting my personal life on hold for the Air Force. So it stops here. I'm going to have the baby. I know it won't do my Air Force career any good, but I'm past caring. I need something for me. I need someone in my life who's not tied up with Air Force regulations. I'm going to have the baby and to hell with the consequences.

I told Janet earlier. I don't know if she understands the decision, but she's accepted it.

Daniel's been great. Teal'c too, but in his more distant way. Daniel's been there with hugs and words when I need him. I know that the next step is to tell them about my decision, but I don't want to. Between me being pregnant, and the Colonel being gone, it effectively disbands SG-1, and it'll be a while before I'm back on active duty. I know both Daniel and Teal'c will take that hard, and I'm sorry. But I've had too many years of putting others first. It's my turn now.

I'm limited to the SGC for now. No going off world - because of the pregnancy. I haven't formally been reassigned. Until a decision is made on who's going to replace me, I'm still on the team. I just can't, you know, go anywhere. There's a briefing this morning - Daniel's research into the Deejin. I go to the briefing room and see the others seated around the table. Jack's seat is empty. A reminder that SG-1 as we know it is finished. A reminder that I'm alone. I never had myself pegged as a single mom, but I'll be ok. Janet'll help with getting set up. Although Cassie was older, she knows what I'll need in terms of day care. I'm just not looking forward to telling Dad.

I'm thrown when I see Janet and Dr. McKenzie come into the briefing room. No one else seems surprised, so I decide to wait and see what happens.

General Hammond immediately invites Daniel to tell us what he's learned.

"I've been researching the legends of djinn on earth. There's a long history of their interaction with humans, reaching back to the Ancient Babylonians who used to erect huge bull statues outside their temples in the belief that they would stop evil genies from entering. Closed doors were no obstacle to them, and they were blamed for causing strife between friends and family members. The legends appear in a number of cultures, some having good as well as evil genies, and some even believe that they were the children of gods. I believe that the aliens we encountered may be the source of these legends."

Daniel's explanation has been punctuated by pictures of genies at various times in history, and I've got to say that it looks like he's probably right. No surprise there.

"So these djiin could have been on earth before humanity rebelled against the Goa'uld?"

"Yes."

"But they've left no physical evidence of the type the Goa'uld did."

"Exactly, Sam. I think that, whatever powers they had, they were either much less powerful than the Goa'uld, or they worked in a way that doesn't require actual technology. Our experience would be that they can read our minds, - make us move where they want us, cause us to black out, and they can put images into our heads, and use our reactions to those images to continue an illusion. I don't remember any … machines to cause those effects. Imagine how much strife you could cause with an arsenal like that!"

"Now, there's an interesting addition to all this. Some later legends have genies granting wishes, but the number of those wishes is normally limited - to three. Coincidentally, if we consider what happened to Sam and Jack as a single wish, we were granted three."

General Hammond nods. "Do you believe that another team sent to PX2-788 would also have their minds invaded?"

"Yes, General. I do."

"What about SG-1?"

"I believe there is a reasonable probability that we could return without being subjected to further interference. To be honest, neither Teal'c nor I have been badly affected by the mission, and what happened to Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter ... well, I doubt they would have the opportunity to achieve a second result of that type."

"Thank you, Dr. Jackson. Remarkably concise. Now, Dr. McKenzie, can I have your input?"

"Yes, Sir. I don't believe I'm breaking any confidences by pointing out that members of SG-1 have been traumatised as a result of their earlier mission to PX2-788."

He pauses as if waiting for one of us to complain. I can't meet anyone's gaze at that point, dropping my eyes to the table.

"In my experience, people who have undergone trauma of this type, whether it's some sort of mind control or even an intimate physical assault, are often more damaged by the knowledge that they lost control, that power was taken by the attacker. To get closure, to come to terms with what they've suffered, they need to understand why it happened. They need to take back the power they lost."

"So is it your opinion, Doctor, that it would be in the best interests of SG-1 personnel for them to return to PX2-788 on a mission to understand the motivation of the aliens there, and possibly to ensure that no further visitors are similarly traumatised?"

"It is, Sir. In fact, I suspect that if they are not given this opportunity, SG-1 as it currently stands, might no longer constitute a viable team."

"As you realise, SG-1 is currently on stand down. I'm going to have to assign a temporary fourth to the team, since Major Carter cannot be passed for active duty. However, as regards the mission-readiness of the other members of SG-1, do you have any reason to suspect that they might not be up to the rigours of this mission?"

"Providing the mission is short, no more than eight hours, I do not. And I'd like to add something. I'm not aware of the details of Major Carter's physical health, but I believe that it is important to her recovery that she go on this mission."

"Dr. Fraiser?"

"I agree with Dr. McKenzie as regards Dr. Jackson and Teal'c. As to Colonel O'Neill, I would have to reserve judgement until I can examine him. As far as Major Carter's concerned, I would like to speak to you privately."

"Thank you, Dr. Fraiser, Dr. McKenzie."

He turns his attention to the rest of us. "In light of this information, I'm of a mind to sanction a mission to PX2-788 on condition that Colonel O'Neill is available. I insist on having a military presence. However, I will not order anyone to undertake it. This mission will be on a strictly voluntary basis and I will not hold it against any of you if you should decide not to go."

"I will go," Teal'c states almost before the General has stopped talking.

"Yeah, I'll go," says Daniel.

"Very well. Dr. Jackson, Colonel O'Neill has already expressed a wish to go back. His leave is over as of this evening. Can I ask you to call him and let him know about the mission? Tell him I expect to see him on base by 0700 tomorrow."

"Sure."

"Make sure he realises that he only goes if Dr. Fraiser agrees that he's fit."

"I will."

"Very well. Dismissed. Dr. Fraiser and Major Carter, will you please stay."

When the others have gone, Hammond addresses me.

"Major Carter, you wanted to speak to me. Do you have a problem with Dr. Fraiser being present?"

"No … No, Sir. Dr. Fraiser already knows my decision. I want to keep the baby. I thought you should know. You need to find a longer term replacement for SG-1."

"I see, Major. Have you thought through the consequences of that decision? To the damage this might do to your career?"

"I… yes, Sir."

"Now we've used the alien influence defence before and I think it'll fly again, but that's classified. You having a child will not be. I think you understand how some people will construe the situation."

"I can imagine, Sir. However, as of this morning, I've had confirmation from Dr. Fraiser that the baby is indeed Colonel O'Neill's – a man for whom I have the utmost respect. As to the rest, while I have no ethical problem with termination in general, Sir, I'd thought it would never happen. Because of my work at the SGC, I believed I would never be a mother. I accepted it, and I certainly didn't ask for pity. Neither Colonel O'Neill nor I have done anything to be ashamed of, and I don't see why I should give up this chance regardless of what others might think."

"Major, for what it's worth, I do see how you came to your decision. I'm just saddened by what it might mean for your career."

"In a fair world, Sir, it wouldn't hurt my career at all. But I know the world isn't fair. I'll take my chances."

"Understood, Major. Thank you for telling me. Dismissed."

I start to get up, but Janet interrupts.

"General Hammond, I'd like Major Carter to hear what I have to say."

He looks puzzled, but gestures me to sit back down again.

"Sir, I believe that Major Carter should be included on the mission to PX2-788."

"Doctor, you're as aware as I am of the regulations. We cannot send a pregnant woman into what could be a hazardous situation."

"I understand that, Sir. But from what we've heard, the situation on PX2-788 is not physically dangerous."

"That may be. But why do you believe it's important for Major Carter to go?"

"Sir, Major Carter has arguably been the most affected by the events on that planet. If it's important for the other team members to get closure by returning, then it's equally important for Major Carter. And waiting for another eight months until after the baby is born really isn't an option."

"I understand Doctor. Major, what is your assessment of the physical risk of the planet?."

"On the planet itself? I agree with Dr. Fraiser. I wouldn't feel physically threatened. I know Dr. Fraiser has statistics on Gate travel during pregnancy, so I'll take her advice as regards any risk."

"I think I can reassure you on that," Janet breaks in. "We have had a number of pregnant women go through the gate - refugees from various planets. I've made a point of following them up and all the evidence points to it having no effect whatsoever."

"Then, Sir, I'd like to go with the rest of SG-1."

He pauses, his thinking time. He sighs deeply.

"Very well, Major. I'll sanction your inclusion on the mission for tomorrow. Tell me, with whom have you shared the information of your pregnancy and your decision to continue it?"

"Dr. Fraiser and you know, and the other members of SG-1 know about the pregnancy, but I haven't told them about my decision to keep the baby, and I'd like to keep it that way until after the mission."

"Probably wise, Major. Dismissed."


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Daniel called. We've got a go on PX2-788. Hammond saw the light. The fact that it took a shrink to show him should worry me. Probably the one thing that'll guarantee I go back. The old team. One last time. Carter too, although I'm surprised Hammond's going with that one. Only problem is I've got to get past Fraiser first.

I go in early and let her do her worst. She's quiet. Her disapproval fills the silence. Doesn't matter. Probably won't ever see her after today.

She clears me reluctantly. I gear up and go to the gate room. The others are there already. Three pairs of eyes on me. Like I'm a freak in a freak show. Probably a fair assessment.

We take our positions, Carter at my side. And even with everything that's happened, my heart speeds a little. Feeling her close to me … I'm so screwed.

We step through to a familiar view. The gate is on a plateau, high above a rocky valley. We're surrounded by higher peaks and there's snow. The wind is icy and wet.

The three Deejin appear out of smoke.

"Greetings," the big one starts, but I'm out of patience.

"Cut the crap. We've been here and we've done the wishes thing. This time we want answers."

Daniel glares at me, but I don't care. I'm not here to be nice. We got past nice a lot of dreams ago.

I feel them poking into my head, picking up information just like before.

"Just stop that," I warn, and surprisingly, it does.

"We made you forget. How could you have remembered?" He's confused. Good.

"We have techniques that allow us to recover suppressed memories," Daniel explains. "And we really would like to understand what you did to us. The results have been ... less of a gift than you'd think."

"No. You must go. We cannot ..."

"Tell us what you did," I demand. "We're going to make sure no one from our planet comes back here anyway, so what've you got to lose?"

They look at each other and I just know they're talking about us. Next thing, Daniel turns around and starts dialling the gate.

"Daniel, what do you think you're doing?" I yell, but he doesn't hear. I try to stop him, but I can't move. The wormhole engages, and he and Teal'c walk towards it, oblivious to both Carter and me.

"We will explain," the big one tells us. What's his name? Akarb? … something. The other two Deejin have disappeared while we were watching Daniel and Teal'c going.

"Now, wait a minute. What about ..."

"Your friends are immaterial. They had only illusion. They will recover quickly. You were different."

"So, explain."

"We meant no harm."

"Well, it's a bit late for that," I yell, but Carter's hand on my arm stops me dead.

"Let me, please, Sir."

I shrug to tell her to go ahead.

"First, we'd like to know how you did what you did. You can control our bodies – make us go where you want us to, make us black out ... Is it a chemical thing?"

"No, not chemical. We do it with the power of our minds."

Carter's got one of her meter-thingies in her hand, and she's taking measurements as she speaks.

"And is this power something you were born with?"

"Born with? No, we weren't born, we have been forever."

"Forever?"

"Since the beginning."

"You're immortal."

"Yes."

"How many of you are there?"

"We three are the last."

"But if you're immortal, then ..."

"We can wish ourselves out of existence."

"And that's what the others did?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because, … they, as you put it, didn't have much in the way of job satisfaction. They couldn't cope with the isolation."

"Why are you here?"

"We were exiled here long ago. Before, we lived on your world. We brought joy to many people. Our lives were fulfilled. But the beings who reigned as gods in that world hated us. They wanted to harness our abilities, but those abilities are part of what we are. We visited their Jaffa and their slaves and we granted them wishes, and these gods were angered. They tried to destroy us, and when they failed, they brought us here."

"By Stargate?"

"Yes."

"So why have you stayed?"

"Because we cannot leave. They cursed the Stargate. We cannot approach it."

"What do you mean, you can't approach it?"

"There is something, it feels like a solid wall, in front of the gate. We, for whom nothing is solid, are prevented from entering."

Carter is quiet, probably over-thinking it all.

"So, what did you do to us?" I'm calm. Really.

"We read your mind first. Two dreams warred for supremacy. One involved a child – Charlie. The other, the woman with you. We listened to her dreams, and found a mirror image – a dream so close to your own that we were compelled to act."

"Compelled?"

"We grant wishes. We look into someone's mind, and we see all their selfish desires. We give them an illusion, make their dream come true. You were different."

"In what way were we different?" Carter asks.

"We found a symmetry between your two wishes. Two people, even those who care for one another … it is rare. We knew what you wanted, what you dream of when you sleep. We took from your minds the circumstances that would remove the obstacles you believe important. We made you believe those circumstances complete, calmed the parts of your minds that continued to question, and then we allowed you to act. Granting wishes in this way is a rare opportunity. Truly granting the wish of one person often hurts another, and that's something we try to avoid."

"You didn't add anything?" Carter asks.

"Nothing beyond the initial circumstances."

"And you didn't think that was wrong?" I jump in, but Carter glances at me. She knows me too well. She puts a hand to my arm to calm me. It doesn't have the effect she intended and I shake it off.

"We didn't understand at the time. It seemed innocent. We gave you both what you wanted, enjoyed the experience with you, and it was only then that we knew. What happened was too important to you. It was bound to follow you back to your own world. But by then it was too late."

"You think?" I launch myself at him. I want to wipe that smirk off his … I fall straight through, landing painfully on my knees. Carter's there, ready to help me up, but I don't let her. The Deejin has turned around to us again by the time I've pulled myself up.

"We tried to make you forget. We tried to undo it, but …"

"Do you realise what you've done to us?" I ask the question, but I know the answer. That probe as we arrived must have told them everything.

"You have been dreaming. The memory was too strong and could not be subdued. There is a child. And much pain."

"Damn right," I shout. "And it could cost Carter her career!"

"You do not speak of the consequences for yourself," he answers.

"Not important. It's Carter who's pregnant, for crying out loud. She's been violated. How can you put that right?"

"We could make her forget …"

"Keep out of my mind!" Carter interrupts.

"Yeah, that goes for me too."

"There is too much pain. We cannot put it right. You must go."

I feel the compulsion towards the gate begin.

"Wait!" Carter's voice sounds shrill. "You said you can't leave. Can you show me why?"

"There is a barrier at the gate."

Carter takes out some equipment and goes about doing what she does best, waving her … whatever-it-is around and measuring … something.

"Sir, there is a high energy EM field just here." She indicates a position just in front of the gate. "It's operates in a very thin layer – I'm not even sure how it's possible. I didn't notice it on the way through, but then with all the energy from the wormhole ..."

"I understand, Carter.

"Now show me," I demand. I know it's stupid because there's not a lot I can do if he refuses, but I demand anyway. "Show me you can't use the gate."

He approaches it. And it's like he hit a mirror - his rear's still moving towards the mirror and his front coming away from it.

"Carter?" I ask.

"Sir, it's like he's an EM wave, and it's being reflected from the barrier. He can't get through!"

"I'm glad there's a good explanation, Carter. It looked ..." I shudder. She understands.

"Yes, Sir."

"Wanna dial home then?"

I send her through ahead of me, turning to the Deejin before I leave. "We'll lock this planet out of our dialling computer. And we'll probably mention you to our friends. There won't be any more visitors. No more illusions. I think maybe your job satisfaction level just dropped another notch."

It's not what I wanted. I wanted to hurt them. Hit his face until my fist was bloody. Not going to happen, so I settle. Maybe it's enough.

I follow her through. General Hammond is there, along with the other members of the team.

"SG-1, debrief in thirty minutes. Colonel, my office, in ten."

"But General, I resigned."

"Not officially you didn't. So I'll give you a choice. My office or the Brig?"

Once in his office, he tells me to sit, then goes to the other side of his desk. He just sits there for a while. Waiting. Trying to make me speak first.

At last, he gives up. "Jack, you're not stupid. So why are you acting like you are?"

"Wasn't aware I was, Sir."

"You've got a problem. I understand that. But you don't handle problems by running away."

"Some problems. Sometimes."

"Have you spoken to Major Carter?"

"Yeah. A bit."

"I'll take that as a 'no'."

"Is that all?"

"No, Jack. It isn't. I thought you should know that I have processed your resignation. It will be effective two weeks from today. I didn't do it because of your recent tantrum but because I believe it's the only way to prevent Major Carter from having resign."

"As bad as that?"

"Yes. It really is."

"But why? I've pissed people off – I know I have. But she …"

"Is a very clever woman. And some people find that threatening. Her career's not out of the woods yet either."

I give him a slight nod.

"Colonel, I expect you to be here as usual until the date of your retirement. Do you understand? No more leave. No more dramatics."

"Yes, Sir."

"And Jack, you might be getting out of the Air Force, but don't think for one moment that I'm letting you off the hook as regards the SGC. You're a valuable resource, and I'm not willing to just let you go. We'll talk later, when everything's quieted down. There's some paperwork we need to get done, and I'd like to get it started now. Let's get on with it, before your team gets here."


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Debrief starts late. General Hammond and the Colonel are still in the General's office at the appointed time and the rest of us have to wait. The actual debriefing only takes a few minutes, but before we leave, the Colonel tells us he's got some news.

"You people should be first to know. Effective two weeks from today, I have resigned from the Air Force. Again. You all know it's been an amazing few years, and I wouldn't swap them for anything. But it's time for me to move on. It's been an honour to work, to serve with all of you."

He gets up and leaves before any of us can react. The General seems to know the rest of us need some time because he leaves too.

"Daniel, did you know about this?"

"Not that Hammond had accepted it, no. We knew his mind was working that way. I just thought they'd think of another way."

"The stupid, selfish …" I can't help myself. Hard as it's going to be to see him, I can't believe he's giving up everything just like that. Without talking to me. But then that's one thing he isn't doing at all. I almost reconsider my decision, but my hand strays to my stomach, the flat of my palm over it, and I know I can't. The baby is real to me. A real person.

"Guys, there's something I need to tell you too. I don't know what'll happen to SG-1 with the Colonel gone, but I'm not going to be going off world for a while. I've decided to keep the baby, and regs. don't allow me to go into potentially hazardous situations while I'm pregnant. I'm sorry, guys. Really. The General will be looking at two replacements for SG-1."

"I understand, Major Carter."

"Yeah, Sam. I thought you might decide to keep it."

"Thanks. I'm glad you understand."

"So, what next?"

"Next? I've got rock samples in my lab and Dr. Freeman at Area 51's been trying to talk to me for days. I need to go make a phone call."

"I meant a little later, Sam."

"Well, Janet's agreed to take care of my pre-natal care. She wants to monitor the naquadah, and no one else is going to do that."

"What about Jack?"

"What about him?"

"You need to talk to him."

"No. He's had his chance. He's made his decision. He doesn't want me or the baby, and that's fine. We don't need him either."

"But, Sam. You don't understand why he's doing it this way."

"Don't tell me he's been talking to you?"

"A bit." Now that hurts. He's been talking to Daniel, but not to me. It just makes me more determined.

"Well I don't care what he's told you. If he cared at all, he'd tell me, explain to me. Look, Daniel, don't worry. I know he needs friends too. I won't ask you to choose."

He sighs deeply and looks toward Teal'c. Something passes between them, but I guess it's a guy thing because I don't get it.

"What do you intend to do after the arrival of the child?" Teal'c gets involved for the first time. Maybe he senses that I don't want to listen to Daniel any more.

"I honestly don't know, Teal'c. I'm pretty sure I could stay on as a technical consultant without going off world. But I'd miss the excitement too. I'm just going to have to wait and see how I feel once the baby's born."

There's not much more to say after that, so I leave.

I go to my lab, suddenly feeling cold. I pick up the phone. Freeman better have a bigger problem than the one he mentioned in the message. Because I'm not going all the way over there just to fix a naquadah generator.

"Major Carter, glad you got back to me."

"Dr. Freeman. What's this about a faulty naquadah generator?"

"That's just it, Major Carter. It's not faulty."

"Then what is the problem?" I hear my voice and almost kick myself. I sound pissed.

"It's just that it won't work in my lab. It works everywhere else I've tried it, just not my lab."

"And what's so special about your lab?"

"Well, nothing. And the problem only started recently. About the time the storeroom next door got filled with all that Haven rock you sent us."

I doodle while I'm talking. But it doesn't take a genius to work out what's happening. The Haven rock is affecting the naquadah generator. Maybe that's the effect the rock has on the Goa'uld. I make some notes for further tests I need to set up.

By the time I hang up, I'm feeling so cold I get up and check the thermostat. It's set as usual. I'm actually shivering, and I go out to the hallway, intent on warming up, but it's just as cold out there. And then I spot someone walking past with bare arms and I'm about to ask how they can stand it when I see the floor coming towards me much too fast.

I wake in the infirmary with Janet hovering.

"What happened?"

"You passed out in the hallway just outside your lab. You're running a fever, and I've given you something for that, but …"

"Janet, what did you give me? You know I want to keep the baby, right?"

"Yes, I know. Don't worry, it's safe. I'm running some tests, trying to work out what's going on. It could just be flu – uncomfortable but nothing you won't throw off in a week or so. Rest for now. I'll come back and see you when I've got some results."

To my surprise, falling asleep is easy.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

I'm on base. I'm even working. Doesn't mean I have to be obvious about it. I found I've got a desk. I'm using it. And still Daniel manages to find me.

"Jack, we need to talk."

"No, Daniel. We don't."

"Jack, you're making the biggest mistake of your life."

"No, that was when I didn't get Carter reassigned as soon as I realised I liked looking at her ass. Which would be about thirty seconds after I met her." Yes it's crass. I'm trying to get rid of him. Go figure.

"Jack, will you listen? Or do I have to go get Teal'c and get him to hold you down?"

He's serious. And Teal'c would do it too.

"Ok, what's so important?"

"It's Sam. She's hurting. And it's not fair that you're leaving her to do this on her own."

"What the hell am I supposed to do, Daniel? Go and hold her hand while she has the procedure? Her career's in the balance, and anything I do will only make it worse."

"Procedure?"

"Termination. Abortion. Whatever you want to call it."

"She's not going to have one, Jack."

I'm back to writing, trying to ignore him. And I thought he said she wasn't going to have a termination. I look up again.

"She's not …?"

"She wants to keep the baby."

"She what? She knows what that'll do to her career. She must know."

"I think she does. She just wants something for herself. Ideally, I think she wants you too, but you've been so busy sticking your head up your ass that you don't see that. So she's planning on having the baby and being a single mom."

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

"Maybe her career isn't as important to her as you think."

Did I get it that wrong? Her career's important to her. That's what the whole 'keeping it in the room' was about, wasn't it? Wasn't it?

"In a few months, there'll be a new little O'Neill in the world. Are you telling me you don't want to see that?"

I close my eyes. Can't help but picture it.

"Daniel, of course I want to see that. I want a damn sight more than to see it. But I didn't want to influence the decision. I wanted her to do what's best for her. You know what she's like."

"Jack, you need to talk to her. And soon. Because right now, you've hurt her. She thinks you don't care. And every time you avoid her, you hurt her a little more. And sooner or later, you'll have hurt her so much that she won't be able to forgive you."

My phone rings. Surprising, since I'm never here.

"O'Neill," I answer.

"Ah, Colonel. I was looking for Dr. Jackson. Is he with you?"

Naturally I finally answer my phone but the call's not for me. I pass it on.

"Janet? What's … I'll be right there."

"What is it?" I demand.

"It's Sam. She passed out in a hallway earlier. Janet's worried, Jack."

I get to the infirmary before he does. I almost knock Fraiser over as I enter.

"Whoa there. Colonel. What are you doing here?"

"Carter. How is she?"

"I didn't call you. I thought you'd retired; that you don't care what happens to anyone here."

"That was never true, Doc. Please, tell me how she is."

She exchanges a glance with Daniel who's just arrived.

"Ok. To be honest, I don't completely understand what's happening. She passed out and she's got a fever. I thought it was a bad case of flu, but then she started having severe abdominal pain – she was on her way to miscarrying. She insisted I treat that, so I gave her a shot that's got the contractions under control for now. But that's not the main problem. The fever is getting worse. Her body is fighting what it perceives as an infection, but it's nothing I've seen before."

"So … what?"

"I'm pretty sure the threatened miscarriage was due to the naquadah. The activity level of that is back to its pre-pregnancy level. That might be interacting with other factors – pregnancy hormones or the protein marker left by Jolinar. Or both."

"Look Doc, I'm confused. Where did the naquadah come from if the amount in her blood's gone up?"

"That's just it. It hasn't come from anywhere. The amount of naquadah in Sam's blood hadn't changed. It was just the activity of it – as measured by Sam's modified naquadah detector – that was down. Something changed the activity of the naquadah without actually destroying or removing it. The blood test I just did? The naquadah activity or signal is almost back to normal."

"What does that mean?"

"We've got two problems. The pregnancy is threatened, and Sam was pretty upset about that. That's under control for now, but I don't believe it'll stay that way unless we can reduce the naquadah activity and I've got no idea how to do that. But we've got a more urgent problem. The fever is getting worse, and I'm doing everything I can to bring that down because if we don't, she's going to start seizing. None of the medications I've got that are safe have done anything for her. When there's been any sign of consciousness, she's delirious. And the last rational thing she said to me was that it was important that I don't do anything to risk the baby."

"Could the naquadah be causing the fever too?"

"In combination with another factor like the pregnancy, it's quite possible. It's the one measurable that's changed."

"What's going to happen to her?"

"Possibilities include brain damage and if it goes on long enough, organ failure and death."

My mouth goes dry. I swallow so I can speak. "Can I see her?"

She looks at me and I know she's ready to tell me to leave.

"Can I see her, please, Doc.? Yell at me once she's better."

She sighs deeply. "Let me just see how she's doing."

She goes behind the curtain and returns a moment later.

"Her fever's still increasing, but I'll give you a few minutes while I go and arrange a cold bath."

The curtains are pulled back to reveal her. She looks awful. Pale, clammy, her face is contorted as if in pain or terrified. She's also unconscious.

"Sam?" I say her name. Not Carter.

Something gets through because I hear her say my name softly. Or I imagine it.

It's not the first time I've sat here, willing her to get better. Normally I play with something - a pen - anything to keep my hands busy. This time, I can't help myself. Her hand's there, and I take it in mine, gently stroking the back of it. Needing her to know she's not alone.

"Sam, you fight this. You hear me? I need you to fight this."

"You want her to fight it so you can leave with a clear conscience." I'd forgotten Daniel was there. I spin towards him and I'm this close to landing one on him. I grit my teeth.

"No, Daniel. I just need her to be ok. We all do."

"Don't tell me, Jack. I already know. She doesn't."

He pushes a chair up to the back of my legs and I sit.

"Sam, I'm sorry. I've been an idiot. I know I have. I wanted you to have your career. To see you at the top some day. I promised someone … Doesn't matter now. I didn't understand."

Dr. Fraiser returns then with a couple of nurses.

"We're going to give her a bath now. Stay here. She'll probably fight us. It won't be pleasant but I've run out of high tech solutions."

They transfer her to a gurney and take her to the other end of the infirmary, into a bathroom. Hearing her scream is agony. She's in pain, she's terrified. She doesn't understand. Someone's taking her super-heated body and putting it in cold water. I want to go and save her from it. But I can't.

Forever later, she's back. They set up fans around her bed and she seems more peaceful. I don't ask; just take my position beside her, taking her hand in mine.

"Would this be happening if she weren't pregnant?" I ask as Janet does some checks.

"Honestly? I don't know for sure, but I don't think so."

"Could you terminate?"

"Not without her consent, or that of her next of kin. And I'm not sure that it would actually help in the time we've got anyway. It would take weeks for her system to get back to its pre-pregnancy levels. I would have a larger choice of drugs if she weren't pregnant, but I'm not sure that would make a difference either. And she made me promise not to risk the baby. Colonel, I've asked General Hammond to contact her father."

"He's her next of kin?"

"Yes."

I scrub my hand across my face. It gives me a few seconds before I have to be in control again.

"So, what now?"

"We'll keep her as comfortable as we can."

Daniel stays for a while, but keeps his distance. Teal'c comes too, standing beside him, but neither approaches closer. I keep her hand in mine, my thumb stroking the back of her hand. No one tries to move me away.

I hate this. I've always hated this. Hated seeing her hurt. Not able to do anything about it. Wishing it was me. Wishing I could take her pain. Knowing how pissed she'd be if she ever heard me say it. Hoping I get to see her pissed at me again.

It's hours later. There's no one else around. It's cold. I'm cold. The fans are helping. The numbers on the display aren't going up, but I don't need them to tell me she's still too hot.

Her eyes flicker a little. "Sam? You awake?"

"Jack?" This time sure I heard it.

"Yeah, Sam. I'm here. Unless you want me to go?"

"No … Stay. What's … happening?"

"Your body's fighting an infection, and the naquadah activity's back up. Janet thinks there's a connection."

"Naquadah was down."

I stop. I need to get this right.

"No, the, er, activity was down. The amount of naquadah was the same. But now, the activity's gone up too."

"The baby?"

"Ok, for now."

She seems to relax a little at that. I think she's gone again. She's gone still, her eyes closed. They open suddenly, and I know that look so well. She's got an idea.

"Sir, … my lab … rock … Help me …"

Her voice fades to nothing, and she's gone again. She was trying to tell me something. Something about her lab and … I don't know. Teal'c appears again, and I ask him to sit with her. I know it could just be the fever. But this is Carter we're talking about. I know that look. If anyone can get her out of this, it's her. And doing is better than sitting. Even if it's doing nothing.

I rush up to her lab, bumping into Daniel on the way.

"What happened, Jack? Is it Sam? Is she worse?"

"The same. I think she knows what's wrong. She told me to check out her lab."

And then he's running with me.

"You sure you didn't imagine it?"

"No. But I can't just sit there."

"Ok, what're we looking for?"

"Sam said something about her lab. The answer's here. What was she doing last?"

"Working on the rock. Oh, and she said she had to make a call to someone at Area 51 who wanted to talk to her."

"She said 'rock'." I look at the notebook on her desk. I know what she's like - she doodles ideas sometimes - especially when she's on the phone.

On the top page, there's a phone number for a Dr. Freeman, followed by some scribbles that are hard to make out. I peer more closely.

_Haven rock knocking out naquadah reactor? Is Haven rock an anti-naquadah agent????_

Daniel's leaning over to see too. Janet said the naquadah signal in Carter's blood had been decreased. Right after she'd been to Haven. What if …?

"She thinks the rock is suppressing the naquadah in some way!" Daniel beats me to it.

"Yeah."

I go out to the hallway and spot a couple of airmen.

"Find out where the rest of this rock is being stored, and bring it to the infirmary. ASAP."

Once I've set them going, I tell Daniel what else we need. And then I pick up one of the crates of rock in Carter's lab and get to the infirmary as fast as I can.

Dr. Fraiser stops me as I arrive.

"Colonel, what do you think you're doing?"

"Carter thinks this is what helped before. It's rock from Haven."

"Sam? But she hasn't been conscious."

"She woke up for a moment. She worked it out. Sent me to her lab. She thinks that the Haven rock is what's responsible for doing whatever it is to the naquadah. If she's right, I need to get the crates stacked around her bed."

"Why didn't you tell me she was conscious?"

"Because I know better than to ignore Carter when she's had an idea."

She shakes her head at me, then turns to Teal'c.

"Has she been awake again?" the doctor asks him.

"She has not."

Janet pushes past me and checks Carter out again.

"Her fever's going up again. If it gets any higher, there will likely be irreparable damage. This better work, and fast."

I put my crate down, and Teal'c and I go back to Carter's lab for more. By the time I get back, the two airmen have arrived with more, and we start to stack it around and under the bed.

When we've finished, I take my place again. Teal'c joins Daniel who's reappeared, and both keep watch from further away, but I'm not moving. There's just room for one chair among the crates.

A short while later, the monitor starts squealing – and Carter's shaking, thrashing about. Fraiser appears with others, starts yelling commands and I'm pushed out of the way. It takes so long for them to stabilise her, I'm almost sure it's the end. But at last, she's quiet . Fraiser seems happier. I take my seat.

Janet comes back and checks the monitors.

"She's steady for now. Take this cloth, keep her exposed skin damp. I don't want to go the bath route again if I can help it. She gave one of my nurses a concussion last time. And there's a very real risk she could injure herself."

Something to do. There's not much exposed skin – just her face, neck and arms, but it's more useful than just holding her hand. She's not getting worse. The monitor's holding steady.

Much later, her temperature's still too high but going in the right direction. Dr. Fraiser wants me to go and get something to eat. She shoos me away from the bed so she can get in. I just go and get a seat close by. I'm not leaving.

I wake suddenly. I didn't know I'd fallen asleep. Hard chair, head against the wall, I've got a crick. I open my eyes to see what disturbed me. Two figures are approaching Carter's bed – Hammond and Jacob Carter. I glance at my watch – 04:13.

"Sam?" Jacob sounds scared. She doesn't answer.

"Doctor?"

"I think she's sleeping, Sir. She's been through a rough time, but as of an hour ago, I'm hopeful. Everything's moving in the right direction. I think the Colonel's idea did it."

"That's what this is? These crates?"

"It wasn't my idea. It was Carter's."

They turn around. They didn't know I was here.

"You still here, Colonel? I thought you went home hours ago." Hammond shouldn't be surprised.

"No, Sir."

"So, George, tell me what happened."

"It's probably better if I let Dr. Fraiser explain."

"Well, Sir. Her body was reacting as if to an infection."

"Infection? What sort of infection?"

"My most recent tests suggest it was caused by a reaction to the protein marker left over from Jolinar. I'm afraid that I can't tell you any more than that."

"And these crates of rock are helping? Why do I get the impression that there's something you're not telling me? Why should that protein marker start causing problems after all this time?"

"I can probably give you a better explanation later, but I need Major Carter's agreement before I can tell you the rest."

"I'm her father! She'd want me to know."

"That's probably true, Sir. And if it is, then she'll explain when she's awake."

"Can I sit with her?"

"Sure, Jacob. That's ok, isn't it, Doctor?"

"Considering how long it took me to get Colonel O'Neill out of that chair, I suppose so. Just remember I need access too."

She comes over to me. "Colonel, go and get some sleep. You did it. Your crazy idea seems to have worked. The naquadah signal in her blood is down again – not as low as after three weeks on Haven, but it's on the way."

"You'll tell me if there's any change?"

"I'll send a message. Are you going home or will you find somewhere on base?"

"I'll stay on base."

She nods.

"Do Daniel and Teal'c know?"

"They were here a few minutes ago – while you were asleep. Go. Before I have to throw you out."

"Jacob, you should know. That's Haven rock. Might upset Selmak."

"Thanks, Jack. I'm ok for now, but we'll be careful."

I find a bed, pull the rough, scratchy blanket over me and I'm asleep before my head hits the pillow.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

I waken to pain. I'm gasping for breath, trying to remember how I got here, who's responsible. Which Goa'uld this time? Pain is familiar. Being wounded, injured, just a part of my life. And then it becomes clearer, I'm not on a mission. I'm in the infirmary with Janet hovering.

"It hurts," I manage.

"I know, Sam. You're having premature contractions. You haven't miscarried yet, but …"

"Stop it, Janet. I want this."

"I know, Sam. I'll try, but I don't know if it'll work."

I drift off again. I'm shivering, achy. The other pain is gone. I don't know what that means, whether it's good or bad.

Nothing is making sense. I don't know where I am, which disaster this is. Shivering. I know he's there. He's always there. Whenever I'm hurt, he's close. He calls my name, and I try to answer. I don't know if he hears. It's important that he hears me.

They've got me. I struggle, but they're too strong. I scream, wanting someone, anyone to help, but no one comes. They're picking me up … dragging me where I don't want to be … away from him. And then there's cold. So cold. Like Antarctica, but without Jack. No one to convince me that we'll get home. No one to share heat with. I'm fighting, but I don't think I'm going to make it. They won't let me go. My head hits something hard, and everything goes black again.

He's there again. I feel him. Holding my hand. I can't open my eyes, can't move my limbs, can't hear him, but I know he's there. Knowing he's there makes me believe I'm going to make it. It's what we do.

And then I hear him. It's my name - my real name - not Carter, not Major. I concentrate, trying to answer him.

"Jack?"

"Yeah, Sam. I'm here. Unless you want me to go?" Why would I want him to go? I'm hurt; he's here. That's how it works. Hearing his voice helps pull me back.

"No … Stay. What's … happening?"

"Your body's fighting an infection, and the naquadah activity's back up. Janet thinks there's a connection."

"Naquadah was down," I remember. She told me.

He doesn't answer right away. Maybe I just imagined him.

"No, the, er, activity was down. The amount of naquadah was the same. But now, the activity's gone up too."

I process what he said. I'm remembering. The naquadah … the baby.

"The baby?"

"Ok, for now."

I sigh with relief. I'd forgotten. And I know what's happening. I understand it. If I weren't so weak, I'd tell him, 'Sir, I've got an idea.' But I feel myself drifting off again. I'm slipping away from him and I don't know if he understands. He's got to understand.

I don't know how long passes. I'm drifting. Sometimes I'm shivering, sometimes hot, always so heavy, unable to open my eyes. But he's there. I know it's him. Or I'm dreaming of him. Or imagining that he's here.

And then I know he's gone. I manage to pry my eyes open. Dad. Dad's here?

"Sam?"

"Hey, Dad."

"Doctor, she's awake."

Janet arrives, does a quick check, and seems pleased.

"I think you're going to be fine."

"You understood." I look at the piles of crates next to the bed.

"Colonel O'Neill did. Although I think General Hammond's going to have words with him. Apparently, every storage facility on the base is earmarked for all the crates he and Daniel are having shipped from Area 51."

"I don't think we'll need those too."

"The Colonel thought it was better to have too much than too little, just in case. He told Daniel if the rest of the crates weren't here by noon, he and Teal'c were going to collect them personally, and suggested they should zat anyone who got in the way."

So it was him. I feel hope flare, but stomp it down again. I'm still on his team. He looks after all of us. He'd have done the same for Daniel or Teal'c - anyone under his command. It's how he is. Now I'm ok, he's gone. No mystery. It wasn't personal. Not any more.

My dad's looking at me. He's worried. Janet leaves.

"Sam, no one will tell me what happened. I was called here because they didn't think you were going to make it, but no one will tell me anything. I've got lead shielding to try to protect Selmak from the effects of the rock, but it's getting uncomfortable. So will you please tell me what's going on?"

That conversation. I wasn't looking forward to it, and that was when I was feeling fine. Now … I wish I didn't have to … But he's scared. He needs to know.

"Ok, Dad. The bottom line is that I'm pregnant." Get it out. Brace for impact.

"I thought, with the naquadah …"

"Yeah, so did I. But it's causing a problem. I need this rock to suppress the naquadah – I don't know the details but I've been pretty sick. Once I've had a chance to talk to Janet, I'll know better what happened."

He hasn't exploded yet. That's good, I think. And surprising.

"So, Sam. Pregnant. Who? I didn't know you were dating. Why didn't you tell me?" Dad's voice is carefully controlled. Maybe Selmak's trying to keep him calm.

"I'm not really dating, Dad. It's a long story."

"I don't want a long story. I want to know who!" Volume increasing. That's more like what I expected.

"Colonel O'Neill, but …"

"I'll kill him!"

And before I can explain anything else, he's gone. I call to Teal'c who's passing the doorway. He agrees to go and save the Colonel from my dad.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

I waken to a bucketful of cold water hitting my face and neck and seeping through the rough blanket. I sit up, shaking to try to get rid of the cold dampness, open my eyes and come face to face with a very pissed Jacob Carter.

"You bastard, Jack. I thought I could trust you."

His fist connects with my face. I'm thrown off the bed, landing in a heap on the floor and hitting my head on the wall behind me.

"Get up." Very pissed might be an understatement.

I'm trying. But between the fist in my face and then hitting the floor and the wall, I'm sort of happier on the floor. I can't fall off the floor. I'm saved by Teal'c who holds Jacob back so I can risk getting up.

"Let me go, Teal'c."

"I cannot. Your daughter would be most irritated if I allowed you to harm Colonel O'Neill."

"It's ok, Teal'c. Let him go. Hit me if you like, Jacob. I won't fight you."

Jacob seems surprised. He pauses, and Teal'c relaxes his grip.

"You've spoken to her." It's not a question.

"Yes. I doubt I've had the whole story, but I know she's pregnant and that you're the father."

"Yeah." I can't quite meet his eyes.

"That's all you've got to say?"

"There's more, but that's the bottom line."

"And what about the whole sordid story?"

"You don't know anything else?"

He shakes his head. Before I can answer, Teal'c speaks.

"Major Carter was most distressed. She told me she had started to explain her situation to you, but that you had gone before she had time to finish. She believed you were on your way to injure Colonel O'Neill and asked me to intervene."

"Thanks, Teal'c. Jacob, go back and see what she's got to say. It's complicated. And if you still want to hit me when she's done, I won't stop you."

Don't think he believes me, but he goes.

"How's she doing, Teal'c?"

"Major Carter seems much like her usual self. She asked if you had been there. I believe she is confused about recent events."

"Yeah, well, Dr. Fraiser chased me out last night once Jacob arrived. She told me she'd let me know if anything changed."

"Do you wish to go back to the infirmary now?"

"No, Teal'c. A shower and a change of clothes ... And maybe coffee. Carter needs time with Jacob, and wild horses couldn't drag me into that."

Everything's changed. I thought I'd lost everything. I had. Still might have. When I think … God, I hurt her. When I think what she was going through … and I cut her off. Wouldn't listen. Wouldn't let her tell me what she wanted. Thought I knew. I made that mistake before. When Charlie died, I couldn't be there for Sara. And now I've abandoned Sam.

Sam might be ok, but I've probably still lost her.

The shower's hot. Not hot enough. I need it hotter. Need to feel something to take my mind off what I've done. Daniel's right. I'm an idiot.

There's only one thing that's clear. I'm not running. Not any more. Not until I've spoken to her. Assuming Jacob doesn't kill me first.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

I might want to hit Jack, but the last thing I need is my dad doing it for me. Sending Teal'c after him was the only option I had. I tried to get up myself, but a wave of nausea and legs that feel like lead persuaded me otherwise.

I'm relieved when Dad reappears. No obvious blood stains on his clothes.

"Ok, Sam. I want to know everything. Now."

"Did you hurt him?"

"Only a little bit. Teal'c got in the way."

I let out a sigh of relief, and tell my dad the whole story, or as much of it as I'm ever going to.

"Explain why I shouldn't go and hit him again?" he asks at the end.

"Because he's no more to blame than I am. Dad, please. He's gone through hell over this already. They all but accused him of assaulting me before we got our memories back. You've got to know what that did to him. I don't think you could do anything worse to him than he's already done to himself."

"And what are his intentions?"

Typical Dad. Straight to the point.

"I don't know, Dad. He's been distant since I told him."

"I expected better of him. He promised me he wouldn't risk your career, and now that he's compromised it, he's running scared."

"He promised that? When?"

"On the way to Haven. I knew something had changed between you two. I spoke to him."

"Dad! Why?"

"Because I was worried. You think your dad doesn't know? First time I saw you two together, when you were supposed to get your awards from the President? I could see you cared too much for him. Thought he was kind of smarmy. Cocky. Too sure of himself. I knew you were vulnerable. I thought he was the reason you didn't want NASA. That you'd given up your dream for him. That's why I was so disappointed. So yeah, when I thought something had changed, I spoke to him."

"You made him promise?"

"Yes."

"He ... Oh." Daniel tried to tell me there was a reason, but I didn't want to listen.

"Oh?"

"He thought I was going to terminate. He ... He was trying to do what he promised. Dad, he thought getting away from here was the only thing he could still do to protect my career."

"You think so? Sounds too convenient."

"He resigned. He's been avoiding me. When I first told him, he said he'd support whatever decision I made, but after ... it was like I'd already made the decision and he just withdrew. But I think he was here while I was sick."

"He was here when I arrived. Looked like he hadn't slept in too long. Sitting over there." He points to a chair just a short distance away, close to the wall.

"So, what are your plans, Sam? You want to keep the baby?"

"Yeah. Dad. She feels real to me. A real person."

"She?"

I shrug. "Whichever."

He nods, his eyes far away.

"They'll crucify you. You know that? The baby will be physical proof of a relationship with your CO. Someone without security clearance to know the details will find out about it, and …"

"Then I'll resign too. Daniel's a civilian, and he goes through the gate. They need me."

"Maybe," he agrees. "But is that what you want?"

"Dad, I don't know. At least, beyond wanting the baby. I need to do this."

"So, if you're going to have the baby, is Jack going to be around?"

That's the question I need answered.

"I don't know, Dad. I don't know what to think. If he was just being noble - keeping his promise to you, then … But then maybe he can't face the idea of a baby. You know about Charlie?"

"His son? I heard. But what about you? Does he love you enough to be with you?"

"I don't know. I'm part of his team and that's important to him. That could be why he was here. Maybe he doesn't want anything long term."

"So you're determined to go it alone if you have to?"

"Yes."

"This isn't what I wanted for you."

"I know."

"But I'll support your decision. I can't lose you now. You know that, don't you Sam?"

There are tears in my eyes when he hugs me.

"I'm going to have to go." He pulls away.

"No, Dad."

"I'm sorry, Sam. It's this rock. It's getting pretty uncomfortable, and Selmak needs me to get away from here. I'll be back later. Or if Dr. Fraiser thinks you can get out of here for a while, I'll see you then."

It's a couple of hours before Colonel O'Neill appears. He's got a cut over his right eye, and I'm pretty sure he's hurt the back of his head too.

"Sir, what happened?"

"You don't know?"

"It was Dad, wasn't it?"

He shrugs. "I assume since he hasn't been back to try again that you've persuaded him to leave me alone."

"Well, I explained some things."

"Good. Look, I'm glad you're going to be ok."

"You were here, weren't you?"

"That's how I got your message." He waves his hands around to indicate the crates of rock.

"Did you talk to me? Before then?"

"I guess. Wanted to tell you I've been an idiot."

"You have."

He's looking at the floor - a sure sign he doesn't want me to see what he's thinking.

"Look, I'll …" he gestures towards the door.

"No, Sir. Please. I've got to know."

"Know what, Carter?"

"Why have you been avoiding me?"

"Avoiding? I don't know …"

"Sir. Please."

He looks at me for too long. I'm almost sure he's going to leave. When he speaks his voice is so quiet I have to strain to hear it.

"I avoided you because I was scared you'd see how much I wanted it. Everything. You, a family … I was scared you'd be swayed by that. I know your career's important to you. I didn't want to be the reason you lost your future. Still don't. And if you want your career, it would be better if I was gone."

It doesn't take more than a look at his face for me to know he means every word. The idiot was willing to give up everything he wanted because he thought it'd be best for me. I don't know whether to hit him or kiss him, but since he's too far away and I'm not up to getting out of bed yet, I can't do either. On balance, I want to hit him more.

"So you decided what I wanted? Went your own way without consulting me?"

"I'm sorry."

It's so obvious that he is, that I'm struggling to stay mad.

Silence. He's looking away, ready to run. I feel a lump in my throat. If he runs now, …

"Sit down." Feels funny - giving him an order.

He hesitates, and then pulls up a chair. There's no one else around. This isn't the place, but I need to know. I can't … won't wait any longer.

"Jack, what do you remember?"

"Remember?"

"About what happened. What do you remember?"

"We had dinner, and we danced, and …"

"Not the facts, Jack. What were you feeling?"

He looks at me then, his eyes steady on mine. I won't look away. I won't.

"Lucky … humbled … amazed, awestruck, … a whole lot of other things. Probably need a dictionary."

"But good things?"

"All good. Better than good."

I let out the breath I'd been holding. I need to know the rest.

"What was it to you? A one-night thing? Is that all it was?"

"God, no, Sam. I was hoping … Hoping we could make a go of things between us. That straight enough? But it's all spoiled now …"

"Spoiled? I thought you wanted the baby."

"Because of what happened. I failed you. Just like I failed Charlie. I'll mess it up because I want it too much."

And then he's gone - turning around and walking away too quickly, almost knocking Janet down in his hurry.

"What?" she asks the Colonel, but when he doesn't answer, she turns to me.

"What happened, Sam?"

"I don't know. I … I need to get out of here, Janet. I need to talk to him - preferably somewhere he can't run away from."

"Not today. You need to rest. Maybe, if you're up to it, I'll release you in the morning. We'll get you a bed somewhere on base, stack some rock around it. Keep some in your lab, but limit the hours you work. We need to get some information about how long you can be away from the rock before symptoms show up. You need to keep a log of where you spend your time, and at the first sign of the shivers, you get back down here ASAP. Clear?"

"Sure, Janet. Not that I don't like your company, but I do need to get out of here."

"I know, Sam. Get some rest and we'll see how you are in the morning."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

God, that was hard. She's going to be ok. The baby too. I feel raw. Like I've been peeled. But she needs to know. Whatever she wants from me, she's got. Not good at baring my soul. Makes me feel weak … vulnerable. Spent years keeping it together. Don't show weakness. Keep the bastards guessing. Love makes you weak. Gets you hurt. Thought I'd sewn everything up tight. No more pain. And Sam Carter pulled it apart, stitch by stitch. It was all there, hidden. First there was the damned Tok'ra and their Za'tarc detector. Vague words trapped in a room. Then the Deejin, and there isn't a room big enough any more. I need her so much it scares me. And now she knows too. I know I should've stayed. Heard what she had to say. But if I'd stayed, I would've have tried to hold her, kiss her, lost control. I've got to pull myself together first. So I left.

I force my mind to practicalities. I need to set up some financial support for her. Maybe she'll let me be involved … weekends … something. Stop.

I go to get a coffee. I need to do something normal. I see Jacob in the commissary, and walk out again, but I'm too late. He's seen me.

I keep walking, but he catches up. "Jack, I want to talk to you."

"Just talk, Jacob?"

"Just talk. But private would be better."

I gesture him to follow me and take him to an office I know isn't used. It's bare, just a desk and a couple of chairs. No weapons.

"So, Jack, what're you going to do?"

"Do?"

"Don't play dumb with me. I know you too well. Sam thinks you've been avoiding her - keeping your distance. Were you being noble?"

"Noble, huh?" Doesn't seem like me at all.

"Jack, if I thought otherwise, we would not be having this conversation."

I acknowledge that.

"To be honest, Jacob, I don't know."

"Do you love her?"

"You asked that before."

"And you didn't answer. I'm asking again."

I nod.

"Good. I'm glad I wasn't wrong about that. But if you love her, then why aren't you with her, planning your future?"

"I thought she was going to get rid of it."

"And you knew this would have less impact if you weren't around either."

"Yeah."

"But she wants the baby."

"I didn't know until … Daniel told me. Just before I knew she was sick."

"You made it kind of difficult for her to tell you."

"I know."

"So, what now?"

"I don't know. My retirement's official, it's just a matter of time."

"Then there's nothing standing in your way. Except you."

"She could do better than me."

"I won't argue with that. I'm her dad - no one's good enough for her. But she won't listen to me, so I've got to listen to her - even when she doesn't talk to me."

"I failed her. This … shouldn't have happened. I should have realised …"

"Why you? If you should have realised, then she should too. And you know Sam would say that too. So, what do you want, Jack?"

"Want? It's not up to me."

"I think it is. She loves you. I've known that since I first saw you two together. It scared me at first - younger woman infatuated by her CO. I thought you were too cocky by half. I've seen it before and it doesn't normally end well. Not that I could talk to her about it. She'd either just deny everything or go and do something stupid. But I got to know you, and I thought maybe I could leave it, trust the two of you to sort it out. Thought you had the integrity to do the right thing. And maybe you would have in the end, but you don't have the luxury of choosing when now. This is your chance. Blow it, and you won't get another one."

I don't speak, thinking about what he's said. I remember what she said earlier. I told her what I'd been feeling during our Deejin experience, and she wasn't upset by it. Maybe …

"I've got to talk to her."

"You do. But not in the infirmary. You need to talk where you won't be interrupted. Dr. Fraiser's hoping to release her in the morning, although she'll be restricted to the base. Don't leave it too long, Jack."

It's late, and I need to go home. I've got some serious thinking to do and I don't need anyone talking at me until I've got everything straight in my head. The prospect of having Sam and our child in my life still seems like a dream. But for the first time since all this started, I'm starting to wonder if it's a dream I might see one day.

Next morning, I've got a long session with Hammond. I want to refuse, find Carter and get the talk out of the way, but I can't. It's admin. stuff, but it keeps me busy for a while. After a quick break for lunch there's a series of mission briefings he wants my input on. By the time we've finished, it's late afternoon, and I go to her lab before I can think of a reason not to.

She looks like nothing's changed. It's how I imagine her when she's working. She's bent over her bench, completely focussed. I've stood here so often, just watching her, wondering how long it'll take for her to even notice that I'm here. I think it even became a game. She'd ignore me, pretending she hadn't noticed.

"Carter?"

"Oh, Colonel. You surprised me."

"We need to talk."

"Yes … we do."

She looks worried, chewing her lower lip.

I come in and take a seat opposite her.

"You feeling ok?"

"Yeah. Much better. I promised Janet I'd call her at the first sign of a fever."

"So, you're confined to base?"

"For now. If we can work out just how much time I have to spend around the rock - or better still, if I can isolate whatever makes the rock effective, I can probably live as usual. We'll get some rock shipped to my house - it might be enough to just sleep close to it at night."

"Good. I'd hate to think you wouldn't be able to get out of here."

"Not as if I spend a lot of time anywhere else."

"That won't be an option … after."

"I know. But the reason I spend so much time here is because there's nothing out there that I don't have here. Soon, there will be."

I can't stop myself picturing it - Sam with my child. I smile at the thought, and then force myself to lose the image. I can't afford to smile. Yet.

"What do you want from me, Sam? I'll do … be … whatever you want. Financial support - goes without saying. I'd like to be a proper dad, but …"

"You mean that?"

"Of course I mean that. Why would you …?"

"Charlie."

She says his name so softly that I could almost miss it. Hearing his name gives me the usual ache that I feel. I don't dwell on it. Dwelling just makes the ache turn into something worse.

"Charlie's gone. But I wouldn't change the years I had with him to avoid losing him. You get that?"

She nods. There's a look in her eye, and I know she's thinking of people she's loved and lost.

"So, will you let me?"

"Be a proper dad? Yes, Jack. I'm going to need someone to show me … I don't know anything about babies."

"Not sure how much help I'll be that way. I missed a lot of Charlie's early days. But this time, I don't have to."

There's silence – almost comfortable silence. I'm just thinking myself into the future, wondering.

"One more thing. What about us?" She looks nervous.

Not so easy.

"Us?"

"When your retirement is official, there'll be no regs."

"No, there won't."

"Jack, when does your retirement become official?"

"23rd at 1800." I don't know where she's going with this.

"What're you doing on the 24th at, say 2000?"

I get it. Not too quick on the uptake, but I get it. Wow. Not what I expected.

"I'd very much like to take you to dinner, Sam. If you'll let me?"

"I'd like that, Jack. What about Daniel and Teal'c?"

She's mirroring the conversation I 'remember' from before.

"They're not invited."

"Good."

"Good."

"There's just one thing," she adds and I feel my heart drop a little.

"What?"

"Well, it depends on Janet giving me the ok to be off base."

"Of course it does." I can deal with that.

"So, Carter, what'ya doing?"

I pull back. I'm not retired yet. I might be counting the days until I am, and we've got a whole lot of talking to do still, but we've gone as far as we can for now.

"Well, Sir, I'm trying to identify individual particles of the substance that gives Haven rock its properties. If I can do that, it might be possible to isolate them, and I could just carry some with me all the time - a fraction of a gram would be enough to get the same effect as those crates over there."

"Sounds good. Need any help?"

"Not really, Sir. And it'll take a while."

"Is that a hint, Carter?"

"I think it might be."

"Well, since you're working towards something so worthwhile, I'll leave you."

I walk away from her feeling more hope than I can remember.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

I did it. I took the plunge. I'm not a risk-taker, not naturally, but I don't have the luxury of just thinking about myself any more. Jack and I had the conversation, and we're going to start again. At least, I think that's what we decided. That's what I meant when I suggested that we repeat the date. Not that I want or expect a carbon copy. I'd actually prefer something that's different enough that I can look back and know which was which without confusion. Jack's thoughfulness in looking after me convinced me to take the chance. Now, we've got to see where it takes us.

I check the clock. Time I went to see Hammond. He said he'd be free about now.

I walk into his office. I haven't been looking forward to this, but it's necessary. I guess I always knew it would come to this, but I've come to realise that it might as well happen now as later.

"You wanted to talk to me, Major?"

"Yes, Sir. It's about Colonel O'Neill's retirement."

"What about it?"

"You agreed to process it after refusing for some time. I assume you were finally given no choice."

"I can't discuss a superior officer's career with you."

"I know that, Sir. But this affects me too. I don't believe you would have accepted his resignation unless you were forced to. And that means that Colonel O'Neill is taking responsibility for what happened on PX2-788."

He's silent. Good, at least he hasn't disagreed.

"Sir, if there is blame to be attributed for what happened, then it's got to be attributed to me too. I refuse to accept that Colonel O'Neill takes complete responsibility."

"He was the commanding officer on the mission. His taking responsibility is hardly without precedent."

"Perhaps not, Sir. But since you accepted his resignation, I'm asking you to accept mine too."

"Major, … "

"Sir. I'm perfectly serious. I'm not going to allow him to do this on his own. And besides, I know that my decision to keep the baby means that my Air Force career is effectively over. The baby will be proof to many that regulations were broken, and few of those will have the security clearance to understand the special circumstances."

"Major, you are too valuable to the SGC for me to allow you to do this."

"Sir, I'd like to think I could continue at the SCG as a civilian. And I'm equally sure that Colonel O'Neill is too valuable to be lost."

He gets that look that says he's planning something.

"You've given me an idea, Major. Leave it for now, please. I'll consider your request and get back to you as soon as I can."

"An idea, Sir? What?"

"Patience, Major. You'll find out soon, I hope."

After that, the days leading up to the Colonel's retirement pass with more speed than I can believe. I'm pleased that I've managed to concentrate the active ingredient of Haven rock so that I can carry a small pouch of it around with me anywhere, giving me much more freedom than before. It's nowhere near pure, but I'm still working on it.

On the Colonel's final day, Hammond summons me to his office. I'm surprised to find that the Colonel's there too.

"Thank you, Major. I've got some news, and I thought I'd share it with both of you."

"News, Sir?" The Colonel doesn't seem to have any more idea about this than I do. I haven't seen a lot of him since we had our chat. I know the General's been keeping him busy, but it's also been by tacit agreement. Whatever the future holds for us needs to wait until the regs. are no longer a problem.

"Yes, Colonel. You will remember that I told you when I accepted your resignation that I wasn't willing to let you off the hook as far as the SGC is concerned. Well, I think I've finally got agreement in principle to do what I had planned."

"Do, Sir?"

"Yes, Colonel, Major. I want to set up a civilian SG team."

"Civilian? No, Sir. That's …" The Colonel sounds worried, no doubt thinking NID. Hardly surprising since I'm thinking the same.

"That could be a problem, I agree. But politically, the President feels that it's time. Many of the missions undertaken by this facility have little or no military requirement. What I have in mind is a civilian team that reports directly to the President or his appointed agent, not the NID or any other Government organisation, although there will be links to a special team within the diplomatic service. The role of the civilian team will be different to that of the other teams. It won't be a front line team, although it would be foolish to believe it will never meet with armed resistance. Its responsibilities will be primarily diplomatic and scientific. There will probably be less off world time than for the other teams, but it will still be a significant part of the job."

"I see. Do you have a team in mind, Sir?"

"Well, actually, I do, Colonel. I'd like you to run it."

"Me?"

"Yes, you, Jack. With your experience, you're the ideal candidate."

"So, which do you see as my area of expertise? Diplomacy or science?"

I smile at the comment that's so typically him.

"Neither, Jack, as you're well aware. Your expertise is in pulling a team together, in strategy and in sheer experience of difficult situations."

"Sir, I appreciate it, really. But I don't think I'm up to putting together a new team. Scientists and diplomats? Not me."

"Wait until I tell you who I have in mind."

"Major, are you still determined to resign?"

That got the Colonel's attention.

"Sir, no!"

"This is not your decision, Colonel. Any more than your decision to retire had anything to do with Major Carter."

The Colonel's glaring at me. Looks like I've got some explaining to do, but since he did the same thing to me, I don't feel too guilty. I turn my attention back to General Hammond.

"Yes, Sir. I don't think the Air Force has anything more to offer me."

"Very well. I'm willing to accept your resignation from the Air Force on condition that you accept the post of Scientific Liaison on the new civilian SG team. I don't expect an answer immediately, but I'd appreciate if you would give the proposal serious thought."

Serious thought is definitely needed. Looks like the Colonel and I are going to be back to working together. I'm about to mention it when Jack beats me to it.

"Now wait, General. What you're proposing is that we go back to working together. We … can't do that." Jack looks uncomfortable making the point, even though the General must know that we've got to have a relationship outside work even if it's only related to our child.

"Jack, you and Major Carter make a very good team. I don't want to break that up. And while there are requirements over professional working relationships for non-military personnel, there is a little more latitude available. It should be possible to work something out, providing you're both able to keep your personal and professional lives separate."

"With respect, Sir, I think we've already proved that we can do that. But it would depend on the rest of the team. Put newcomers with Carter and me, and they'd be bound to see preferential treatment even where it didn't exist."

"I agree, Colonel. That's why I'm proposing that the diplomatic role be taken by Dr. Jackson, with Teal'c as a security and other-race expert."

"So, you're proposing to get SG-1 back together?"

"If it's not broken, don't fix it."

He pushes a folder towards the Colonel. "You might need to familiarise yourself with the details of this and how they affect civilian personnel."

"Major, take some time and think my suggestion through."

He dismisses us then, and we go our separate ways.

The rest of the day goes in a flurry of activity. It ends with a celebration for him in the commissary. Thor manages to put in an appearance, and Freya/Anise is there too as well as Bra'tac. It's obvious that none of them understands why the Colonel is retiring, believing that the rules that require it are ridiculous. It's also obvious that no one is expecting to see him back at the SGC after today, so it looks like General Hammond's keeping his plan pretty close for now.

The day agreed on for our date both drags and speeds by too fast. The evening, when it comes, is different. The Deejin-version went amazingly well. But they said they'd persuaded the parts of our minds that worry about such things to just shut up. They're not here this time. We have dinner, but there's no dancing. We talk while we eat, manage to clear the air. The past few weeks have taken their toll on both of us, and we need to get back to being comfortable with one another before we take things further, and the evening goes a long way towards that. We agree to just take it as it comes.

The evening ends on my doorstep with a kiss. Nothing too intense - just a kiss.

The following week, I'm tired. Janet insists it's a frequent side-effect of early pregnancy, and that it's hitting me harder than usual because of the emotional upheaval of the past few weeks. She's been insisting that I get off base each night at a reasonable hour, but I'm feeling guilty at the way work is piling up. And I haven't seen Jack since our date, lurching from work to sleep and repeating.

Late on Friday afternoon I go to see Janet for a check up.

"Everything's looking good," she confirms.

"I'm fine," I agree. "Just tired. It doesn't seem to matter how much sleep I get, I still want more."

"Make the most of it. Give it a few months and sleep will be just a vague memory."

That gets a grin from me.

"Talking of which, it's time you went home."

"Janet, it's too early. I've got to ..."

"Go home. That's an order. Have a relaxing weekend."

I go to my lab for long enough to shut everything down, then make my way to the surface. I recognise Jack's truck parked next to my car. I'm surprised.

"What're you doing here, Jack?"

He looks uncomfortable, like he's worried about my reaction.

"Well, see. A certain doctor told me that you've been too tired to cook lately, and I thought, maybe, I could, you know, for you?"

"You mean cook?"

"Yeah. If you want. I've got some stuff in the back … We could go out somewhere if you like, but if you're tired, I thought you'd rather be at home."

My first reaction is irritation, although that's directed more at Janet than at Jack. I'm not feeling in control any more, and I don't like it. I'm tired all the time and oddly emotional too. It's scary. I take a deep breath and look at Jack. He looks … vulnerable. Like he knows he's likely to be yelled at but had to make the offer anyway. And I'd really like to spend some time with him. I'm not used to going whole weeks without seeing him.

"That'd be … nice."

"You want to come with me? We can pick up your car tomorrow if you like. Or drive yourself. "

And suddenly, the prospect of even driving seems too much.

"I'll come with you."

He gives me a grin for that, opening the door for me.

When we get to my place, he sends me in to sit while he unloads the groceries and makes himself at home in my kitchen.

The next thing I know, he's back, and there's a tray of food in front of me.

"I'm sorry …" I'm surprised I fell asleep.

He shrugs. "You probably needed to sleep. And now, you need to eat. It's just grilled chicken and salad. I'm better at outdoor grilling, but it should be ok."

He takes a chair opposite me, a tray of his own on his lap. The food's not bad. It might just be grilled chicken and salad, but I didn't have to buy it, cook it or even order it. I'm hungrier than I'd thought. I've finished it in no time. He looks pleased as he takes the tray.

"Ice cream?"

"You brought ice cream?"

"Sure. Chocolate. Want some?"

"Yeah."

He presents me with a bowl and disappears into the kitchen again, where I hear him cleaning up. He's finished about the time I've finished savouring the ice cream. I'm feeling spoiled.

"Finished?"

He takes my bowl when I nod.

"I'll just … go."

"Jack?"

"What?"

"Stay."

He looks like he's not sure I mean it.

"I can do that."

He's about to sit where he was before, but I pat the seat beside me.

"Here?"

He sits beside me. Apart from a goodnight kiss, we haven't had much contact since the whole Deejin thing. He's nervous. I am too, but we need to move forward.

I turn so I'm facing him. "Thanks. It was a nice thought."

"That's ok. It's not like I'm busy right now."

"I thought Hammond was keeping you up to date?"

"Well, yeah. There're reports. But you know me and reports. He wants me to go in once a week. I've got an office I can use on one of the upper levels."

"If you were in, why didn't you visit?"

"Something about my security clearance. I'm ok to read about what you folks are doing, I'm just not allowed down to see it. Hammond reckons it'll be sorted soon."

"So you're going to take the offer? Gate travel as a civilian?"

"I'm thinking about it. How about you?"

"I think it sounds good. But Hammond doesn't want me to commit myself yet."

I realised that Hammond won't let me commit myself yet because it'd be easier for him to offer Jack and me the chance to work together again as an existing married couple. Problem is, we're a long way from that, and there's no guarantee we'll ever get there. And no possibility whatsoever if we keep dancing around each other.

I take a chance. If I wait for Jack with all his misplaced guilt, I don't think we'll make it. I place a hand on each side of his face and pull him down so I can kiss him. His hesitancy lasts as long as it takes me to show him that I want this. In a few moments, we break apart, both struggling to breathe.

"Sam, this isn't what I planned. I was going to eat and then go."

"I know. Jack, do you have to go home tonight?"

"I … er… planned to."

"Yes, I got that. I've felt so alone lately. Daniel and Teal'c are busy with the teams they've been assigned to. You've been gone. It feels like it's all over. I want the team back together again. But if we're going to do that, we need to know what we want first. And we're never going to work that out if we stay stuck in this … limbo. You told me you want it all. Well I do too. Please stay."

His reply is to kiss me again, and a short while later, we take it into my bedroom.

It's not the same as I remembered. We're both nervous, only too aware of the stakes. I feel clumsy, and uncoordinated at first, but as our arousal grows, as conscious thought becomes all but impossible, instinct takes over and our instincts seem to be perfectly attuned. When we finally fall asleep, the one thought I have is that this is how each day should end. And that's good. No, it's better than good.

Friday night becomes the weekend. We spend all of it lazing together. No rules, no schedule. We sleep, make love, eat, watch TV as the notion takes us. By Monday morning, thoughts of the work waiting in my lab almost chase me back to bed, and that's pretty much a first, but I steel myself. Jack drives me in.

After that, it becomes a routine. Jack picks me up after work and sometimes we go out to eat, but more often we cook and spend the evening together. And the night. A month after his retirement, I manage to arrange a week's leave and we go to spend it at his cabin.

He seems distracted on the way there, but I decide not to pry. I know the cabin is important to him, and I think maybe he's just nervous about sharing it.

We arrive late in the evening, and by the time we've unpacked, all we want to do is sleep. Next morning, he's up early, and when I get up he's out. He's left a note.

_Gone for supplies. Won't be long. Make yourself at home._

_Jack_

I take him at his word, showering before dressing. Food is a problem for me in the morning just now, so I don't care that there isn't any. I take the opportunity to look around - something I couldn't do in the dark the night before. It's quiet. I'm not used to this level of isolation - at least, not on Earth. But I can see why he loves it.

I hear the truck before I see it, and I'm at the front waiting for him. He lets me take a couple of bags inside, and leaves me to unpack them while he goes out for more. Once everything's put away, he produces another bag.

"I got us some lunch. If you like, I thought we'd go for a walk. There's this lake … maybe half an hour away. It's nice there."

"Sounds good," I agree. Breakfast might be off the menu, but I'm normally starved by lunch.

This is different. Walking without weapons. No backpack for me. Together. Hand in hand. Not one behind the other. He still seems distracted, but I assume it's just how he is here - not used to other people.

The spot is as pretty as he promised. No one around, just a huge lake surrounded by trees that give just the right amount of shade. He sets out a blanket, and we sit together.

"What do you think?"

"It's lovely, Jack."

"It's where I come to think."

"What're you thinking about now?"

"I'm thinking that I love you."

"Good, because I love you."

It's not the first time we've said it, but it's still new.

"Sam, … "

I take a good look at him.

"Jack?"

"Crap. I had this whole speech, and … Look, I'm not good at words."

He fumbles in his pocket and pulls out a small, black, velvet box.

He opens it to show a solitaire ring.

"I know it's quick. And I don't want to rush you, but I need you to know I want this. I want you, and the baby. I want us to be a family. I want to marry you , if you'll have me. You can wait. You don't have to answer now … I mean, …"

"Yes, Jack."

"I understand it's sudden. And you could …"

"Yes, Jack."

"You mean that?"

"I wouldn't have said it otherwise."

"Excellent."

"Kiss me, Jack."

And he does.


	22. Chapter 22 Epilogue

Chapter 22 - Epilogue

It's finally happening; SG-1 is back together. There've been times in the past few months when I thought we wouldn't get here. There's been politicking on both sides with Kinsey fighting it every step of the way. Fortunately, the President seems to like us, and he finally managed to win enough support to get it done. There are plans to go even bigger with the civilian angle, but I don't know the details yet. SG-1 is back together as a civilian team, reporting, for now, to General Hammond as the President's appointed agent. Seems odd. I still don't think of myself as a civilian, even though it's been over a year. An amazing year.

Just a few weeks after she said yes, Sam and I married in a simple ceremony attended by our closest family and friends. And if the Carter clan was outnumbered by people from the SGC, then that just shows who's important to us. We sold both our homes and bought a new place - one with room for kids and fathers-in-law when they visit. Somewhere that's 'ours'.

Six months ago, our daughter, Joy, was born. Sam took to motherhood like I knew she would, even though our daughter turned out to be more like her dad than I'd hoped. She's an attention seeker, and she's got everyone wrapped around her little finger. Me most of all.

Janet set us up with an ex-nurse from the SGC who's at home with her own children now, and she's looking after Joy while we're at work. So far, it's looking good, and we've got the added advantage that Nickie's got clearance to bring Joy in to the infirmary here if she's ever worried. And she understands that even with the best planning, there'll be times we don't make it home at night.

Today's not the first time we've left her, but it is the first time we've gone off world together. It should be a simple trip - SG-12 has already made contact and the locals are ready to talk about trade. Their level of development is pretty much the same as ours, but there're some things we can learn from each other. Sam's more than ready to get off world again, and I'm with her. It's been too long.

"Ready, folks?" I ask, as I hear the wormhole engage. I get a standard tight smile from Daniel, the inevitable nod from Teal'c, and a big grin from my wife. Daniel was right. The Deejin didn't spoil anything. Life is good. The dream might be over, but real life's a whole lot better.

_That's it, folks! My first Stargate SG-1 fic. I hope you enjoyed it. Many thanks to everyone who's commented so far, and if you haven't, now's a very good time:)  
_


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